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😺🔪🦃 Catnip’s Supah Speshal Turkey Feest-acular

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(tis hapnd last year)

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 33

I Herd Da Mewz Today, Oh BOY!!!

😺🔪🦃

I herd howribl mewz today in da cat room. I wuz mindin me own kibblz n bits wen me herd da lady hooman say sumfin bout TURKEY day. Me earz went BING(!) n perkd rite up cuz me lovz turkey! Den da Lady sed, “they won’t be happy if they miss the Turkey, maybe we should bring them some after?”

Waaaaat!? MISS DA TURKEY!!!?? I iz alarmd, but maby, I fink, I nawt understan. So I mov ta intercept da hooman Lady wif me supah fantastic kitten eyez. I playz it up hard n eben add in a sad littl “mew???” so she don haz chance. “Awwwww, poor little Catnip, did yoo heer me say NO TURKEY fur yoo? Don worry, we’ll bring a little bak fur yoo guyz.” Den she reechd don n floofd me hed furz. Da nerb!!!

At dis pont, I wuz in tew mutch shok ta respond az I shud. I shud ob hissd n scratchd n raisd da ded ta attak da meen lady hooman. How can dey be soooooo meen?! No TURKEY on Turkey Day!?? Ebil Hoomanz! I curs dem wif awl da kitteh powerz I haz n den curs dem som mor. Den da Lady pik me up n gib me kissez n hed skritches, sayin “Poor baby Catnip.”

Oh NO, I fink, I nawt be foold into snugglin wen I so pissd! Dat wen I hiss, n I HISSD big n SCARY. So scary dat I scar da hooman n she drop me. “Bad Catnip!!” I hissd agin n ran off ta hav a gud fink on hau me gonna fix dis Turkey Day Disaster!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 34

Kitteh Tortur to da Resue.

😺🔪🦃

I spent a gud day n a haf  bein growly n sad. I barly notisd me kibblz n bits, n da play in me had gon off sumware ta fester n die. Didn’t eben enjoy me mornin tong bath n stopd halfway. Puss callz but I jus press red. Den she callz n txts sum mor but wen I finly txtz her me Turkey-marez she sez “Aw, Nippy, don hiss. I bring ya Turkey frum da Prison.”

OMG! I savd, rite!? O. O no. She meenz da Prison’s ‘Turkey Loaf’ dat coms wif brown goo. I feel sik. Dis cant be mah Turkey Day fate! I spend sum tiem dry heevin n feelin sorry fur meseff n da corner. Me feel heevy wike a big paw holdin me don n I don wan do nuffin.

Gud fing me haz mah Bro n Sisfurz! Dey notis me actin weerd n so ob cors dey start teezin me wifowt mersy. Izbella drawz furs blood wif a drivby hit. Dis wen yoo walk by a kitteh n dey grabz ur behind wif dere clawz. It sumtiemz hurtz, speshally wen Izbella doez it. N dis tiem, she grab me extra hard. So I screem, lowd! Dis bring da oder kittehz runnin – I iz still da babeh – ta see if I dyin r sumfin.

Azeera, wif her big blu eyez, floofs n circlz me sniffin n inspectin, lookin fur woondz. Curs I haz non, so den she wook at me wik I bad kitty, wakin her frum her slumber fur nuffin. I try look pass her BIG BLU STARE, but it tew brite ta ignor n I can feel it sukin me in. Did I menshun she haz supah powerz ob mind shenaniganz dat yoo reely don wan mess wif? I shak meseff hard, lettin da rippl effect tak ober. It rollz don mah bak owt da tip mah tail n den rolls awl way bak ta me whiskerz. Dis cleer da blu frum me mind, leest fur meow.

Ob cors, dat wen Terri tak hiz turn at Kitten Tortur. He so sneeky. Da gangly tabby walk funy but wen he walk round me, he so smooth az he go faster n faster wif hiz rorshak furz n scary asymetrik eyez. Oh no!! Dat wen I knoz he gonna hypnitiz me!!  Hiz big stripz n littl stripz stawt swirlin into crazy patternz n hiz ded eye pullz at me draggin me don. I feel dizzy awlreedy n sink ta da floor soz I don fall wen I pass owt —

Wen I com tew agin, mah 3 sibfurz iz awl lookin don at me. Waitin fur somfin, but I don kno wat. So I growl low in mah belly hopin dey go away. Dis nawt wurk n dey jus press closer. So I growl louder n twy look scary by spikin mah furz. Izbella jus laffs n ask why I so pissd. De oder tew jus nod n stare.

I tellz dem da horrid truff bout da Turkey Day Disaster. Den dey silent fur gud long wile. So long I begin wonder if dey eben herd me, but den Izbella hold up her massiv paw n declar dis EMERGENCY n triger de KITTY CRISIS RESPONS. I don kno wat dat meenz but Azeera sez jus be quiet n PAY ATTENSHUN.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 35

Forty Hedz iz Bettah den Won.

😺🔪🦃

Ober da nex few dayz we four stuk R hedz togever n try com up wif sum planz. Furst we desid: NO TURKEY on Turkey Day iz nawt ok. We mus haz Turkey R we mite az well be mice, nawt cats. We cud hav mice loaf insteed, but it nawt same. I wike mice loaf, but dat mor fur CatMass n it nawt CatMass yet. So hau we get a Turkey wif owt da hoomanz? We fink n fink, but we don eben kno wer dez turkeyz com frum, so we at loss.

Den Mr. Ray Raven drop by wif hiz glossy blak feetherz sparklin in da sun. Glorius! I fink he so kewl! I wish I cud fly away tew. He sez hello n tellz us da latest neyborhood mewz. Nuffin bery intrestin, so I gets excitd n blurt owt dat we in Turkey Crisis. We den haz ta explan Turkey Day n hau da Hoomanz yooshally mak big feest fur us dis tiem ob seeson, but nawt dis year. We be turkey-free if we nawt find won R selvs, but we don kno wer dez Turkeyz growd at.

Mr. Raven listend n den he ruffld hiz feetherz til he look twice az big n mak a croakin sond in hiz throat. Azeera sed dat menz he finkin hard — shhhhhh! Da big blak bird begin pacin round da cat room. We awl silently watch az he go bak n forf fur eber. Den, he stops. He wook at me wif hiz shiny blak eye n sez ” Ka Kaw!” Azeera sez dat meenz he haz idea. “Kaaaa Kaaaaaaw!!!!” Den in a swirl ob feetherz he iz gon, flyin owt to da grat owtside.

Azeera (our official Raven – Cat interpreter) tellz us dat Mr. Raven went ta get sumfin n he be rite bak. I wonder wat dat be. Doez he haz Turkey in hiz tree!? Maby dat were turkeyz com frum. But befur I think any mor we heer a thunder ob wingz n da sky n owtsid R window turn blak. Den da haus fill wif Ravenz, so many Ravenz I wonder if dis invasion. But den Mr. Raven fly in n tak bak control. “Kaaaaaawwwww Kaaaaaawwwww!” Azeera sez he gonna hep us. He tell da Raven Army about dis Turkey Crisis n dey volunteerd ta seerch fur da turkeyz.

So we tell dem eberyfing we knoz bout dem turkeyz. Izbella so smart she eben explain de Turkey scent so dey nawt miss it! Den dey fly off lik a huuug thundering blak clowd. Dis tiem I cont dem n dere wuz FORTY RAVENZ at leest! I so excitd! Wif so many wurkin fur us we shur ta find a turkey by Turkey Day!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 36

Iz it Turkey Day if Dere No Turkey?

😺🔪🦃

It been dayz sins da Unkindness ob Ravenz raind don on us. We seen dem flyin awl ober n heer der kawz abov, but dey haz nawt com bak. We begin finkin we bak were we wuz wif da Turkey Crisis, n dat we be skrewd. Puss txts me dat Da Prison Turkey jus arrivd n dere nuff ta tak heepz wif extra goo. Joy.

Izbella spends awl day watchin da sky n practicin her Ka Kaws fur da day wen she tak ober da Raven R Fowce  Dis her secret wish, ta becom da leder ob da Ravenz, n she fink we don kno, but me n Azeera laff bout it wen she nawt round. Imagin a big fat calico Cat Raven n yoo kno wy (THUD!).

Dis mornin Terri becam convincd dat da Ravenz nawt bak cuz dey faild n he com up wif plan B. Go ask da Garden Creeturz, he sez. Dere nuffin dey cant find, he clam. Izbella sez, but den we haz ta invit dem n dey dirty nasty fingz! Dis ob cors bring up da obvious. Wat bout da Ravenz? Eben if dey faild, dey wurkin hard n we haz ta invite dem tew! Suddenly we realiz we be hazin a Big F-in Partay wile da Hoomanz away n we still haz NO TURKEY!

So in spit ob de objectshunz we awl agree ta send a delegashun tew da Garden fur further recrootment tew R Turkey Cawz. Terri will leed it cuz he knoz all da Garden Creeturz ob note n I tag along ta offer me protecshun. Da Garden iz a bery scary place, yo kno.  Speshally at nite wen we haz ta sneek owt fur da recrootment mishun.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 37

A Raven n a Racoon Walk Into a Garden.

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Me n Terri n Azeera sneek owt ober da fence later dat nite. Softly we pad don da concret path n cross da open dirt grond tew da grassy plac, den we slip under da tall treez dat cober da empty lot nex door. So many weerd sondz n shaps, I try nawt to look scard, but mah hart iz thumpin tew lowd. Eben so, da plac look empty ta me. So wen three dirty cats apeer, I jump a foot off da grond. Azeera try nawt tew sniker.

“Don worry, Brofur, dey kewl.” Terri tellz me, n I try stay calm az Terri entwinz wif da dirty cats in intimat greetinz.Dey smell ob pee n dirt n wild fingz, so I kep mah distance unlik Terri n Azeera. Gud fing tew, sins oderwise I nawt see da Racoon Twinz sneekin up behind Azeera. I screech awkwardly, warnin da oder catz. Raccoonz emerg frum da dark n flank R group. Mor ob da Raccoon Family apeer long wif da Twinz n soon we surrounded.

I fink fur shur we ded kittehz meow, but jus az I do dere a blak wind dat whips by me. Da Raven Fowce haz reappeard! Mr. Raven lands tween us n da Raccoonz haltin R certin death. Den dey skwak n we star n growl, n dey growl n chittr bak – da growlz get so big dey rumbl n bons against da treez round us. Den Mr. Raven squaks lowder n we awl fall silent R hars bristlin. I get so nerbus in da silens dat I suddenly blurt owt: TURKEY!!!!

A hundred glitterin eyes turn tew me n I agin fink mah tiem haz cum. I try look kewl. Den fankfuly Terri sez “Turkey Day iz comin, n we haz NO TURKEY.” Mr. Raven look sheepish n sez “Kaw!!” Terri sez, “Da Ravenz lookin, but find nuthin yet. Wez hopin ta get hep frum yoo Garden Folk cuz yoo find anyfing. Rite?” I fink I heer criketz. Azeera braks da awkward paws. “Ifn yall find us Turkeyz den we haz Turkey Day Feest rite here fur awl!”

Da Garden folk murmur amongst dem selvs n I heer “Turkey” echo round da crowd ob Garden Creeturz dat haz meow exploded into many shaps, sizes n species. A squirrel chitters somwer n den a raggedy red cat steps forward. Da Red Cat haz many battl scars n her furz iz bumpy n spiky lik it hom ta many oder fingz. She sez she may kno a plac dat haz so many turkeyz dey nawt miss won r tew. She rekwest a contingent ob scary creeturz ta liberat da tasty meets. Many Ravenz n Raccoonz volunteer along wif som ob da skariest Garden Cats I eber seen.

Me n Terri n Azeera hang bak cuz compard tew dem we jus tew qt n innocent. Anyway, R mishun haz been success. We fank da Red Cat n also Mr. Raven fur hiz continud support. Den we hed bak hom ta plan da biggest Garden Partay EBER!

I call Puss woo haz ta wurk at ‘Turkey Loaf’ Prison Turkey nite n try reel hard nawt tew pre-gloat. Ok nawt tew hard.

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Catnip Jurnal Entry 37.5

Da Turkeyz Haz Lef Da Bildin.

😺🔪🦃

Da Garden Contingent haz bin triumfant. We haz turkeyz comin owt R kitteh earz n I so happy! Wez eben got oder foodz ta go wif da turkeyz. Der sumfin calld stuffinz dat stuffd in da turkeyz wik a yummy crem fillin. N dere silky smooth turkey soup dat calld gravy, enuf fur ebery creetur at da partay! It gonna be spectacular! Meow I reely gon gloat!

 

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 38

😺🔪🦃 Da Supah Speshal Garden Creetur Feest-acular.

Da Hoomanz jus lef n wez awl hedin owt ober da fence into da dark Garden. We cross da grass n duk under da treez n suddenly it nawt dark anymor. Dere fireflyz dancin under da leevz in n endless mysterious pattern ob loops n circlz. It mak da shadows fliker as if by firelit. Lite splashz cross scorez ob Garden Creeturz: Squirrelz, Sparrowz, Spiderz, Ravenz, Rats n Raccoonz mixd wif raggedy Stray Cats ob awl colorz n sizes. Dere wuz eben Possums blinkin blindly in da firefly lite, a stringy wild dog pair n sumfin I fink wuz a wild cat dat had no tail.

Mr. Raven n hiz famly sat wif da Raven Army in a semi-circle. Dey butiful, shinin lik metal soldierz. Dey face da inter-mixd creeturz in anoder semi-circle; wif da Raccoons arangd frum big tew small and da rest arrangd by famly n spesheez group. We slip in wif da cats nex ta Red Cat woo meow haz two tiny red kittenz buried n her furz, suklin at her teets. Dey look at me den return tew suklin. I guessd dey don kno bout turkeyz yet.

Spekin ob turkeyz – FOUR R trottd owt on da baks ob varius creeturz n lowrd tew da grassy grond. Da stuffinz ooz owt n mingl wif da green bladz n brown leevs. Den dozenz ob birds ob awl sizes apeer carryin wat look lik big curld leevz. Dey softly flutter don n set in front ob each won ob us a steamy leef bowl ob gravy. Den a team ob smartly featherd sparrows start takin eberybodyz turkey orderz. I rekwest a leg bone wif stuffin n soon a huge turkey drumstik n mound o stuffin iz placd befur me. Izbella getz a lovly pile ob wite meet, Terri getz a wing n Azeera getz dark meet. Den we awl dig in.

Awl da animalz munchd n slurpd lowdly round da cirlc n da fireflyz dansd lik a flam in a breez. Da turkey meets iz delishus n da gravy n stuffin R tastier den I eber imagind. I look round wile eetin ta see so many creeturz sittin sid by sid dat yooshally wud be fightin. But we awl furiendz today cuz we haz turkey!

Affur we eet we awl ly about wif big fat bellyz n da Raccoonz n Ravens start tellin jokes bout ded fingz n hoomanz. I nawt tell wich is bout wich da way dey tawk, but parently bof Ravenz n Raccoonz fink Hoomanz R n endless font ob foodz fur dem n it on purpos. Dey talk bout somfin calld a compost pile wich I try tell dem iz trash, but dey sez dat crazy. Cleerly da Hoomanz ment it fur dem, wy else it alwayz be in nice pile!? Or da stuff in da plastic binz awl lind up by da road. Perfect fur Raccoonz ta raid – it mus be deliberat, rite!? I gib up n let dem fink wat dey want.

Wat do I kno, dey fond da Turkeyz, rite? So maby dey kno mor dan me. Nyway, I do kno dis – da answer ta awl da wurldz problemz: Turkey. Gib yer enemies a turkey dinner n dey becom yer furiends. Well. At leest til dinner iz ober!!

Dis wuz da best Turkey Day eber, n I fink we do it agin nex Turkey Day! Hoo needz Hoomans? Am I rite!?

I call Puss meow n see hau she lik her Turkey Loaf.

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Wen Da Hoomanz R Away, Da Catz Cozplay

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 29

Da Hoomanz Away, Da Catz Will Play

Da Hoomanz haz gon n dey tak da International Cat ob Mystery wif dem. Were dey go? How cud dey be so meen? Will dey eber com bak? Izbella sez yesh. Shud we baleev? I dunno. Mus lie down b4 I haz panic attak. I wud tak sum catnip ta mellow owt, but da hoomanz hid it. Da Bastardz!!!

Me n Izbella been huntin da catnip all ober da haus sins da hoomanz leeb. Terri, az ushual, jus watchin n advizin between naps. I surchd da ground lebel, Izbella da upper lebelz. So far, no joy n me noz iz startin ta run frum all da sniffn. Oh were iz it! Me jonzin hard, man! Meen, ebil hoomanz fur hidin me stash!! Hau dey eben find it? I kep it stuffd in me cat bed, me top secret stash, but somehau Mama find it. She mus be majik R haz supah catnip powerz. Wish I had doz powerz, but I cleerly do nawt cuz I nawt find nuffin eben dow I tear da haus apart.

Roooooorrrrwwwwww!!! Izbella yells frum da cat condo in her room. Finally! She fond sum! I happily hop n jump down da hall n see her stikin her hed owt da storaj cabinetz way up neer da seelin. Dat her cat condo, a big dusty, mostly empty storaj space abov da closet were she go hidz wen da Hoomanz iz gon R bein meen. Her eyes shinin down at me in da semi-dakness wook supah creepy. I get da shiverz all ober, but shak it off b4 Izbella seez she gawt ta me. I kno wat she want. I shud roll ober n show me belly cuz she da Man, but I jus don roll dat way n she knoz it!

GrrrrrooowwwoooooooooROOO! I express me displeezur wif her humiliatin demandz n we eye tussl fur a gud wile. I iz strong n I will nawt gib in! Finally afur wat seem wike hourz, Izbella look away, she won da eye battle, but nawt da belly war. I will nawt cow tau. I will nawt! I jump, I swar it wuz 10 feet, wen Izbella landz nex ta me wifowt warnin. Smak! She bats me wif her open paw – tew fur flinchin. Getz me ebery tiem. I WILL get her bak sumday.

Izbella drops a mutch chewd bag ob catnip nex ta me n plops down ta wash herseff. I nawt beleev at furst, but da sweet catnippy smellz iz unmistakabl. I tak a gud long wiff. Gud shit! Soon Izbella n me iz rollin n catnip n expressin R undyin lubs fur eachoder. We wuz supah supah hi.

If da hoomanz wuz here dey wud say dat wuz enuf, but dey nawt so wez kep partakin til we bof coverd in catnip n start seein fingz. I fink Terri wuz eben likin me at sum point but I nawt sure dat reel. I do recall speedin round da haus wike a race car n nokin fingz ober eberwere, but all else iz fuzzy.

Anyhoo, dat hau we spent day one wifowt da hoomanz.

 

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 30

O Catnip, Catnip, Were Fur Art Thou Catnip?

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Day tew ob da Hooman abandonment: we woke wif horribl catnip hangoberz. Yesh, yoo can get catnip hangoberz. Do yoo kno da only way ta mak it stop? Catnip. So we rolld in mor catnip n spent da afternoon groomin R selbs n seein n chasin imaginary mice. I cud swar dere wuz a mouse family hidden in da wallz fur reelz, but da older kittehz sez it jus in me hed. Dere a mouse family in me hed?! Izbella sez NO, it nawt reel. Whatevr!

Den we tak naps n loung in da sun til da catsitter lady cam n gib us kibblz. Da lady iz nice n eben Izbella lik her, but she nawt Mama n I miss Daddy. She gib uz pets n I crunch a few kibblz, but den I hid in me hidin spot at da bottom ob da closet n fell asleep in da dusty dark. I did nawt wake up agin til nite tiem wen I herd a cat call frum owtside.

Sumwon wuz callin me name. Merooooow, Catnip! Weeeeeere iz Catnip!? I stik me hed owt me closet ta see wat da wat. Sumwon still callin me. Izbella n Terri R both up n lookin owt da windowz. So dey don see wen I slink owt da door n slither ober da owtside fence ta da street. Dats were I find me girlfuriend Puss caterwallin. She wuz caterwallin fur me! I iz so flattrd n pleezd I watch her serenad me furst be4 I reveal meseff. Den we go bout greetin each oder, sniffin n tail strokin, n yummy noz kisses.

Puss haz missd me. Dis me falt. I kep procrastinatin da BIG DATE cuz I shur I gonna mess it up. I ben bad boyfuriend twyin nawt ta be bad boyfuriend – wtf! I suk. I tell Puss I sorry I ben a bad bf, but turnz owt she wuz busy n had no idea. Puss sez we shud jus go do sumthin we bof like n dat be R BIG DATE. But dat wat we alwayz do, so hau dat diffrent? Puss sez, cuz she sez so, n hoo m I ta argew wif dat?

So cuz she wan ta go ta da CozPlay Catoween Partay az a couple, dat iz wat we doin. Puss suggest we go az Romeo Cat n Juliet Cat, but doz costumez R sooooo floofy I veto da idea. I fink we shud go az ebil spiderz or batz so we can be kewl but also cumfy, but dat nawt romantical enuf so I sez we cud be a Doctor n Nurse team. Den we argew bout woo be da doctor, woo be da nurse til da sun start comin up.

I heer da catsitter callin me – Caaaaatniiiiiip – all frantic lik. Soz I tell Puss she can deside. Den I skedadl bak ober da fence n run  inside. Da Catsitter look mad. Wat!? I wuz jus owtside! Yoo iz nawt da boss ob me, man. Suk it up n gib me kibblz, Lady. She doez.

 

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 31

Wen Da Hoomanz Away, Da Catz Cozplay

It been dayz sins da hoomanz abandond us tew da wildz n we buzy goin nativ in da meen tiem. Me n Izbella ben hidin kibblz all ober da haus wike we squirrels R sumthin cuz Izbella fink da catlady ben skimpin on R kibblz. I fink she jus doin wat Mama sed, but tew mutch kibblz iz neber enuf fur Izbella. Plus it meenz we haz reedy snaks weneber az long az we remember da hidin spots.

Meenwile, Puss haz decided dat we will go az Pirates tew da Partay tonite. Soz we bizy gettin into R costumez n makin adjustments. Me costume had ta be made smaller, cuz it tew big on me so we be addin in sum paddin (discarded peepl soks) n a big belt ta sinch it in da middl. Puss had ta mak herz bigger so we ripd the bak open ta accomodate her extra girth. Izbella n Terri hav desidd tew crash da partay wif us n R bizy becomin a spider n a demon. Izbella iz da dmon, in cas yoo didn’t alreedy kno.

We reedy meow n all 4 ob us slither ober da fence intew da nite. It dak owt here, n kinda scary cuz dere lots stranj creeturz runnin about tonight. Huge monsterz n goblinz n witches R eberywere. Haz da wurld gon wakadoo? No, it jus Hello Ween, Iza sez. Wat dat meen? I do nawt kno! De oderz don seem worrid tho soz I jus try ta suk it up. Den we reech da partay haus n it a haunted haus! A billowy ghost pops up in R way n I feel skard but I pretend I iz brav n kep walkin. Puss seemz ta kno n grabz me paw az we enter da partay.

Da room iz bangin n boomin. Dere iz da smell ob catnip n de air n dere eben fermented catnip punch fur da truly brav wonz. Izbella downz a saucer immediately n starts weevin n laffin at nuffin. Terri looks alarmd n stiks tew her side wif hiz spiderlegz tanglin wif her demon hornz. I hand him a catnip spliff tew calm down n we tak turnz wif it til it all burnd up.

Meow I feel gud n springy n I wanna dans da nite away wif me gurl. I grab Puss n hed ta da seethin pile of cats n kittenz dat iz da dans floor. We climb ta da top ob da pile n get into da beet, bangin R bootd paws on da furry heds of passd owt kittenz. I chek dey ok furst n dey iz supah drunk frum da catnip punch. Dey so owt ob it dey fink dey iz dansin tew, shakin dere paws in da air lik dey jus don kar n purrin loudly in da rhythm ob da beet. So we dansd atop dere hedz til we dropd.

At sum point me n Puss brandish R pirate swords n haz a “duel” fur da crowd. I parry n thrust wike I a master swordscat, n da crowd cheerz az we go bak n forth across da room. Puss lungez at me openin n I duck n blok her blow, We spin round together n keep goin, swords clangin, n feet movin like we n a dans fur R lives. Ob curs I won wif a sweet final parry n thrust, but I wuz a gentlcat n did nawt mak a fuss.

Den Puss brought me a saucer ob punch n insistd I try it. I don remember da rest ob da nite. Puss n Iza sed I had grat fun hangin frum a chandeleer screemin “Aye Aye Matey!” among oder shenanigans. In any case Puss sed it wuz a reely gud date n she cant wait fur da next. So yay fur me, I rok!

PS. Dis owtin iz TOP SECRET. Da Hoomanz mus neber kno dat we ran owt fur da nite. We cant eben tell da International Cat ob Mystery, shud she eber return.

We haz ben sworn ta secrecy furevah!

 

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 32

Wen Da Kittyz Play, Dere iz Hell ta Pay

 

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We wuz comin hom frum da partay in da wee hourz, trippin ober each oder n mrooowrin wike da drunkardz we wuz, wen we wuz acosted by a mob ob racconz dressd (?) az bandits. Terri ran n hid so fast wen dey appeerd dat I did nawt eben see were he go, but he wuz nawt gonna stik around fur dat – raccoonz iz hiz nemisizes. I wishd I cud hav don da same but it all happnd so fast I cud nawt eben fink.

I fink dere wuz at leest 10 ob dem, all in blak masks ober dere fur masks, surroundin us n laffin in scratchy voisez. Puss tried ta reezon wif dem, but dey did nawt kar cuz dey wuz itchin fur a fite! Won ob dem took da furst swipe at Puss n den it all seemd lik slo moshun az da racoonz rushd in n Puss n Izabella rushd ta meet dem wif teef n clawz. I jus stood dere, still in shok I fink, az da mele spun all around me. Den won ob dem cam at me n I jus lost it. Me clawz wuz unleeshd n da furz were flyin. Teef barrd n snarlin, costumez rippin ta shreds. Blood.

Out of da storm fur a few breaths, I wonder hooz blood n hope it a raccoonz. Den I dive bak in n close me teef round a furry brown raccoon ear til its owner squeelz in pain. I wrap me paws about hiz nek n drag me razor sharp claw across hiz jugular threateningly. He howls loudly n de oder raccoonz all turn to see dere leeder in da grip ob deth. Ebrywon freezes n eyes go wide. I start growlin lik I jus mite rip dat raccoonz throat owt if dey nawt carfur. Den won ob da tiniest raccoons starts bailin n anoder starts yellin dat we murdrerz! As if! Dey stawtd it! Soon eberywon iz yellin so mutch yoo cant heer anywon.

I trip da leeder n let go ob him so he fall tew da grond, den I stand on top n Growl at him az scary az I can be. Den I step off n let him up still growlin. Me cohorts join in, R furz all standin up so we look almost az big az dem raccoonz, n we show R teef. Da littl wonz R da furst ta run screemin into da nite, n the oderz soon follow. Da leeder looks bak at me jus b4 dey disappear n I kno he gonna com fur me. Maby nex week, maby nex yeer, but dat raccoon wuz livid. Dis battl wuz jus da beginnin!

In a week da hoomanz wud be hom n all dis wud be forgotten, but sumtiemz in da middl ob da nite I still wake frum raccoon-marez n shak n me bed til mornin wunderin wen dat big angry raccoon gonna cum fur me n will I be reddy.

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Da International Cat ob Mystery Goez Home

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Azeara Diarrhe  no. 2001 – 17

Da International Cat ob Mystery Sez Goodbye

Woke up dis mornin sad cuz dis last day here til nex tiem. I try nawt ta mope but it hard wen I feel so mopey. I rub me cheekz all ober da bed n floor n ebry cornr ta mak it cleer dat dis Azearastan eben ifn I nawt here. Me cheekz gawt sore I rubd dem so mutch. But it wuz a fing ob beauty wen I done n smelld glorius.

Affur dat I ask Mama ta let me free in Grammaz haus n I went ta spreed me scent az mutch az posible so I nawt be forgot. Da dogs follow me about az I do dis. I fink dey boff helpin by doin a quality sniff test, n dey also twyin ta get a gud wif ob me undercarraj. I let dem at furst, but I draw da line at dogs stikin der wet nosez up me butt. Isabela twy dat n I had ta hiss, but she bak off quik, so all gud.

Wen I dun wif da markin I ask speshal permishun ta visit da Mexi-catz in dere bedroom cave. Dey wuz all spreed owt across da room wif Chico n Nemisis on da big bed n Gato Grande in a cat bed on da floor n Freya tukd in Grammaz laundry basket. Dey awl lookd up wen I cam in n Freya climbd down ta gib me a nose greetin. We co-purrd fur a minute n den I told her I wuz feelin sad cuz we leebin soon. She gib me hed bumps.

I went ober ta Gato Grande n gib him da skwintiest skwints I cud do n chuffd a bit so he mew I luvd him mucho. I ached ta gib him nose kissz n lik hiz hed but Mama sed I can nawt cuz hiz bugs cud mak me sik tew. We co-skwinted fur a gud long tiem n he sent me cuddl n nose kiss thawts n I sent him hed groomin thawts. My hart felt big n hevy n hurt wike it had a big rip insid cuz I mew hiz tiem wuz runnin owt n dis prolly be da last tiem I eber see him.

Gato Grande, ICOM’s Mexican BFF woo went OTRB soon affur dis pic wuz taken

 

I took a skwinty nap nex ta Grande’s bed n dreemd we wuz walkin togever in a big green garden sniffn fingz wif da wind blowin r long hairz n leevs swirlin round us.  Grande lookd at me wif so mutch lov I felt full inside. We tuchd hedz. Den I wok up n mew Gato Grande had sed goodby ta me furevah n it wuz OK. I sent him more lov furevah thawts n tol da oderz goodby til nex tiem.

Den Mama took me owt ta da garden n I sniffd n sniffd all da Mexi-smells til da hoomanz set me on da table fur lunch. I had me speshul fudz, wile dey flaunted dere meats. So rud, but wat yoo do?

POO INFO:  Date – 🐾🐾🐾🐾  Color – na   Texchur – na  Pain Rating – 2  Notez : I nawt go cuz I upset

Azeara Diarrhe  no. 2001 – 18

Da International Cat ob Mystery Goez on Da Road Agin

Mama iz pakin awl me fingz meow n I lownjin on da floofy bed won last tiem. I haz me harness on alreedy. I twy ta avoyd dis by hidin in da closet, but Mama tew cleber n she find me anyway. Ta mak up fur it Mama gib me sum catnip on da floofy bed soz I feel supah weeeeeeeeeeee rite meow. Life iz gud. Yep. Life iz gu…….. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I wake up ta find all da bagz pakd n it tiem ta go. Daddy iz already takin da fings down ta da car n Gramma iz here gibin me goodby pats. I gib her sum purrz til Mama liff me up ta her shoulder. Awl da hoomanz hug n sez dere goodbyez n den we getz in da car.

I sit up front wif Mama n get settled on her lap. Soon da car moov n we iz off n on da road agin. I stan in da window n watch Mexico stream past wile I tak in da butiful smellz. I cry a little dat wez leevin, but Mam sez, “Don worry, we will com bak again.” I gib Mama hed butt jus so she kno dat dis mak me happy. Mama floofs me hed furz.

I iz in me spot in Mama lap n reedy ta go

 

Den it bak ta bizness n I goez round da car doin me job chekin da windowz fur visibility. I find a sweater blokin da bak window n I alert da hoomanz ta da violashun. Mama corrects da problem n I moov on ta me nex responsibility: entertainin da hoomanz. I meow ta Mama ta put on sum musics n I hep her look fur musics. We pik da Beetles cuz dey iz gud n crunchy n mak Daddy say funny fingz in pwotest.

Den we iz ridin agin, jus like be4 but now we hedin home. I sad ta leeb, but home iz callin n Terri n Izbella iz waitin.

POO INFO:  Date – 🐾🐾🐾  Color – gud   Texchur – gud  Pain Rating – 2  Notez : I go asap ta mark da car. Hoomans nawt amusd

Azeara Diarrhe  no. 2001 – 19

Da International Cat ob Mystery Seez Da Oder Side ob da Border

ICOM looks at da cars nearby while we wait in line at da US Border

 

Wez at da Border meow in a long long line ob carz dat iz nawt moovin. Dis da hardess part ob da Mexi-tripz – crossin bak into da US. It meen waitin n waitin n tryin nawt ta go crazy frum bordum. Dere nawt mutch ta see but carz n oberpasses n hoomanz sellin fingz wike dis da last place on Earff.

Mama sez it best ta jus ignor dem, but dey iz jus tew intrestin fur dat imho. Dere iz all kinds of peepl sellin all kindz ob fings jus owtsid da carz. Der iz menz loaded down wif britely colord Mexican memrobilia hangin frum ebery part ob der body. Der iz peeps wif cartz ob hawt n cold foodz dat smellz delishush, but Mama sez it nawt gud fur me (nuthin gud iz). Der iz eben peeps carryin wee pups in der arms around da carz. I feel bad fur da pups, dey look lik dey jus wanna go bak ta der Mama n sleep.

Wez moovin a wee bit agin. Mama sez we been in da line fur an our alreedy. She put on some daddy music,(cuz he wuz howlin of boredom)  n start playin wif itz soothin deep beet. I stan up agin n watch a man slowly roll past in a rollin char wif hiz leg tukd under himsef. I winder wy he do dat? Den he catch me watchin n hold up a can dat he rattlez at us. Mama pretends she don see him so I do tew.

A seeminly endles streem ob peepl line da middl lane tween da carz awl sellin fings r rattlin der canz. Affur while dey jus swirl togever in a mishmash ob colorz n smellz. I wonder wy dey hier wike dis. I see oder carz nearby buyin fingz, den anoder n anoder. Den I getz it – we iz trapd here n dez peeps figure wez bord n maby hungry tew. Dat bery nice, dey jus don kno dat Gramma alreedy gab us snaks fur da car.

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Finally wez see da Border wif da cameraz n gards n gard hausez n eben sniffin dogs. I watch a man wif a sniffin dog walk past r car to da nex won n da dog start sniffin it. What he sniffin fur? Da man n dog moov further away. Sum da gards c me in da window n start moovin dere hands all about n showin dere teefs. I poof me chest furz n twy look mysterius.

Den we at da gard haus n da gard iz takin fingz frum Mama n Daddy. He looks at me n showz hiz teef. I poof owt me tail n hold it high ta show I iz bery furiendly. Den da man wav his hand n we iz free!! We drive cross da border – we iz bak in America meow!

i haz to replace Daddy at da wheel cuz he be bored of waitin in line.

 

POO INFO:  Date – 🐾🐾🐾  Color – na   Texchur – na  Pain Rating – 2  Notez : Too mutch awdiens tew go…

Azeara Diarrhe  no. 2001 – 20

Da International Cat ob Mystery iz Bak in da USA

We goin reel fast meow on da smoov fweeway roadz. Dere iz lot less bumpiness hier den in Mexico, so it seem like we go faster n faster. Fingz zip past so fast I barely get ta see dem. Cars, cars, cars ob all colors n buildinz n townz speed past in a blur n da smellz r gettin mor n mor familiar.

Den we iz slowin down, but we nawt home yet so I cry at do Hoomanz dat dey iz mistaken. Mama sez we go ta a resstop were I can stretch me legz n da hoomanz can yooz da hooman litter boxes. I stay wif da car az Mama n Daddy tak turns wif me. Den we awl get out n go inside ta a food store. I get a nice spongy couch ta sit on wile da hoomans partak in hawt dwinkz. I keep an i on da car fru da window n enjoy da food smellz. I eben get a bit ob me foodz b4 we leeb.

ICOM keeps watch ober da car at a US rest stop hedin home

 

Hoomanz go bak n forth owtside da big window n sum point at me n sho der teef. Mama sez dey fink I iz qt n bery pretty. Well duh. I prans n floof me tail a littl ta gib dem a gud show n dey show me awl der teef. Gud fing I kno dat da hoomanz show der teef like kittehz skwint r eyez, oderwiz I wud be frightend. Insted I iz prowd.

Bak in da car, I chek awl da windowz agin n we iz off. It dark meow n I see brite splashes ob colord lites paintin da sid ob da road in crazy patterns dat soon don mak no sens. So I curl up in Mamas lap n finally get a nice car nap az we zoom eber closer ta da home turf.

POO INFO:  Date – 🐾🐾🐾  Color – gud   Texchur – gud  Pain Rating – 2  Notez : Da hoomanz disposd ob me perfeck car poo! WTF!!

Azeara Diarrhe  no. 2001 – 18

Da International Cat ob Mystery Goez Home

I wok up ta da wunderfur feelin dat we iz almost home. I jumd up ta look owt da window n fings look familiar. I get excitd n meow at Mama n Daddy. “Yes, we almost home,” dey sez. I kno I meow. I chek da windows fur visibility agin n den stand in da window az fings get more n more familiar. Den da smells smell lik home tew n I get ansty n run frum window ta window wile Mama twyz mak me sit down.

I see da home treez dat Mr Raven libz in n get reely excitd. We home! We Home!!! If I cud burtst thru da windowz n run da rest ob da way I wud but Mama holdz me bak til we driv into r parkin space. Den we stop n I bout ta splode owt da car if I hav ta wait won more minute. Finally da door openz n me feetz hit da grownd. I sniff it. I iz home! N den I iz off draggin Mama frum da car awl da way thru da gate n down da walkway. Mama twiez ta keep up, but I pull so hard dat Mama jus let go da leesh n let me fly. I zoom up da stairz ta r door wif me feetz barely tuchin da steps n rush awl da way ta r door. Den I haz ta stop n wait fur da hoomanz ta catch up.

 

Home agin, ICOM falls fast asleep on her pillow

 

Den Mama openz da door n in I go lookin fur me sibs in da dark haus inside. I stik me tail straight up n floof it fancy ta greet Izbella n Terri, but da haus is quiet n dark. I chek awl da roomz won by won n tak a pit stop at me litter box. I start gettin nerbus dat me sibs haz run away r escapd wile we away, but den a sleepy Terri appeerz from a dark cornr. I rush ober ta hed butt n nose greet him n we spend a gud long wile co-sniffin wile da hoomanz com in n owt wif r stuff. Terri n I find a comfy spot on da floor ta watch da hoomanz moovin fings inside wile Terri catches me up on da gossip n I tell him bout Mexico.

Terri made a mew friend wif won ob da yung squirrelz n Mr. Raven haz been comin by skarin da tail furz off dem jus fur fun. Mr. Raven’s mew nest iz comin along, he parently took sum ob r ole toyz fur decorashun. Catnip haz been sneekin owt wif hiz girlfuriend at nite, n comin bak awl bed hed in da mornin. So dat were he iz now, asleep in hiz bed. Izbella haz been Izbellin, bein bitchy ta awl wen she iz owt, but mostly she been hidin in her cat condo.

Den Izbella appeerz tew n we exchange skwintz. She sits nex ta me n we continue watchin da hoomans wile she sniffs me but pretends nawt ta be doin nuffin. Finally da hoomanz iz dun n dey close da door n flop on dere charz. I feel happy n hol n jump onto me pillow on da bed n fall into a deep deep sleep. Den I dream ob a wurld where gramma is rite nex door n I can visit da Mexi-cats wif Terri n den com home fur kibblz.

 

POO INFO:  Date – 🐾🐾🐾  Color – gud   Texchur – gud  Pain Rating – 2  Notez : dat nite I go in me own box – it rawk

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Nex tiem:  Da International Cat Ob Mystery Conkerz Death but lozez sum ob her Mystery

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