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Mary Catmas To Awl, n To Awl a Gud Nite

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 39

Mary n Ba Humbugz.

Tis bin bery bizy hier latly. Ebery morning dere R mor n mor boxes ta recycle! I finis dem awl da nite b4. I wak up. MOR BOXSZ!! I don kno were dey awl com frum, but dey jus kep comin. Sum R eben coverd in dis wunderful shiny crinkly paper dat iz almost mor fun dan da boxes. Nah, I did nawt fink dat. But it shur iz crinkly!

Las few dayz I find owt dat dis crinkly paper iz da gateway dwug ta procatinashun. Sumhow I can nawt resist da shiny crinklez n I fink I spent owrz n owrz obsessin ober dat lovly sond n crinklin it tween mah paws ober n ober. I get so crinkl drunk n frisky dat I run round n round da haus chasin dat CRINKL – for no reeson dat I recall. Den I beet, ob curs, so taks nap. But wen I wak up, it long affur mid day!! So den I eben mor behind wif da boxez.

So dis mornin, I wuz takin lap round da patio twyin ta shak off da crinkl trans wen der wuz noc at da door. I hid behind da plants n practicsd mah cat asassin movs wile da hoomanz cam owt ta answer. So I wuz nawt reelly listenin wen dey open da door or wen da mew hooman handed ober anoder stak ob boxes. Until mah hoomans crinkld da paper, den I pay atteshun! I sniffd da crinkly packages n pressd won ta mak it crinkl. Dat wen I herd da strang hooman say – “Mary Krismas!” – n thot – wat dat? Den Mommy sed it agin – “Mary Krismas tew yoo!” I wuz puzzld az neber herd dis b4. Den afur da door cloz I get eben mor confusd cuz da Daddy Growld! Den da Mommy laffd at da Daddy n sed “Oh Ba Humbug tew yoo tew!

Dis wuz so odd dat I furget da crinkly paperz for wile n go ask Da Oders bout dis Mary n da Ba Hum Bugs. I figur dey R tawkin bout sum tasty mew tweet n I mus find owt rite meow, befur da oderz eet it awl!

So furst I ask Azeara Da Ole Timer cuz I figur if anywon knos, tis Her!

She wuz glowin n a sun spot wif her eyez closd wen I roll up n sez ” Woo dis Mary n wat a Ba Hum Bug?” Azeara crakd her tripy blu eyez n squint at me. “It nawt a hoo, tis a wat! Dis jus wat da Hoomanz sez wen it cold owt n dere R twinkly lites in da treez.” Dis mak me fink. Dere R twinkly lites in da tweez? R dey fireflyz? Maby dat bee da Ba Hum Bug! So I ask da wize n fluffy won bout it.

She laff!

“No, da Ba Hum Bug iz nawt a BUG!” She shak her hed. “Fur az I kno.” She shak hed agin. “It jus wat Mama sez ta Daddy wen he gwowly at Catmas tiem. Daddy haz bin Ba Humbugd Furevah!”

Ob cohwz dis nawt reelly hep. Wat bee Catmas tiem? Wy Mommy cawl Daddy a BUG if dere iz no such bug!? But Azeara jus laff agin n roll ober. She flikd her tail n way dat sed

“yoo silly kitten, scwam!”

So I did. I still haz qwestions, but she dun tawkin fur meow. So I wen i iz bak ta mah eber increesin pile ob To Be Recycld boxez n twy nawt ta let Da Crinklz tak ober.

It took mucho Medical Catijuana!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 40

Nite ob meets!

 

I beginin ta get wat Azeera ment bout tis been cold dis tiem ob yeer. Cuz it COLD. Me coat nawt yet at ful floof cuz I a yungin so I freezin me toe beenz off, man. Srsly. WDF! Can haz parka pls!? It wuz lik 40 degreez las nite – I herd Daddy sed. Tis Supah Cold fur an LA kitten!

So it nawt supah eezy ta ask awl da oderz meowr bout dis Mary Woosit Catmas Watevah. Terri wuz spendin awl hiz tiem unner da bed covrz, n Izbella wuz eether spred eegl n da sun – nawt tawkin R campd owt by da fiery heat emittin monster in da hall. N owtsid? furget it. Eberywon wuz dug in, xcept durin sun tiem wen eberywon wuz gathrin foodz R lookin fur warm bedz. Took me a week ta get round ta dem awl.

Afur much fru da blanket, unner da blanket n rond da food bowl askin, Terri finly grumbld at me “Dis wen da street wonz scrambl fur eetin n saf warm spotz or DIE, but if yoo gud, Mary Kris bringz da Nite Ob Meets. Mmm. But meow me haz awl da foodz n I neber bin warmer.

Mmmm. Mmeow bee tiem fur da Speshal Meets frum Santa Claws n da Cwazy Crinkl fingz, but still naught kno bout no BUGZ! Nawt so many round Catmas Tiem.

Lites n tweez? Mmmm. Sum tweez insid haz dem. I see dis wen I iz owtsid n wook in.

Mmmmm Speshal Meets. Mmmmmmm.” Den Terri dozd off fur da thirtieth tiem dat afternoon.

Dere wuz awso many many dayz ob naggin Izbella in her sun spot til she chas me owt ob da haus. No joy, well maby fur Izzie Da Terribl! I eben tried bribin her wif catnip. Sum catnip latr, she tole me she wuz happy ta tak awl me catnip, but  she wuz nawt tawkin bout Da Growly Tiem.

I sed Waat?! Den she ack lik she nawt sed dat. I fink den I snapd. My inner Cwazy Kitten took ober n I haz blakowt. Wen I cum tew, Izzie wuz tossld n weezin. She wuz pissd!

“Hiss!!” She sed

“Don yoo kno bout da 9 Cwazy Nites ob CatMas?”

(awlso knon as Catukkah)

I did nawt. Den Izzie recites da followin in scratchy falsetto:

On da Furs Nite Ob Catmas Da Boxez Rumbl Fwee!
Da Boxes Rumbl Fwee! N we haz da Kitty Pile Catmas Twee

On da Secon Nite Ob Catmas Da Crinklz Com to ME!
Da Boxez Rumbl Fwee, Da shiny Crinklz BEE! N we haz da Kitty Pile Catmas Twee

On da Furd Nite Ob Catmas Dere R Twinklz on da Tweez!
Boxez Rumbl Fwee, Twinklz ON da twee, Shiny Crinklz Bee, . N da Kitty Pile Catmas Twee

On da Forff Nite Ob Catmas Tiny pwesents dere will be!
Tiny wittl Mice, bits o wiggly string, bag o yummy catnip, crinklz n sum boxes… n dis Aaawl iz jus fur meeeeeee!
I meen, da Kitty Pile Catmas Tweeeeeee!

On da Fiff Nite Ob Catmas We Haz Da Tasty Meets!
Tiny wittl Mice, Bits o Wiggly string, catnip bag fur awl, Bowl ob Tasty Meets N da Kitty Pile Caaaaatmaaaaas Twee

On da Sixff Nite ob Catmas…

Dat bee wen I leff cuz she wuz screechin lawd n me eerz wuz hurtin. I kmew dat wat she want n maaaaby I stay if she stopd wif dat Tasty Meet fing but she nawt n I wuz wookin fur me sweet herb. I still nawt kno wat dis Catmas iz or wat happen tew da Hum Bug?

I get it a wittl, I guess.

  • Catmas bee me bizy tiem, cuz dere R lotz ob boxez!!!
  • Dere R meets
  • Dere R pwesents
  • Dere R weerd, twinkly lites
  • Tis cold

I speshally want ta kno bout dem MEETS! N maby deez pwesent fings – sonds pwomisin.

Meowr latr.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 41

Da Twee Dat Must Die.

Hav nawt had meowr luk askin da oderz bout dis Catmas R Mary Woosit n such. Ta da 3 cats, Catmas bee jus ole mewz n dey rather hav a cozy nap. Bah Humbug. I did lern a bit bout dat tho.

Mr. n Mrs. Squirrel clewd me in. Dey sed it IZ a BUG, but it a bery meen n growly bug dat spewz poison n stink wen yoo hazin a nice Catmas. It taste lik BAH! cuz yoo spit it owt fast n dey fink it hum tew. So wen sumwon bee growly at Catmass yoo cawl dem a Hum Bug n say Bah! But I nawt shur how reliabl iz a creetur dat look lik cross tween a floofy cat n a rat. TBD.

Dis won nite jus b4 dawn it wuz soooo qwiet in da haus dat nawt a creetur wuz stirrin, but owtsid wuz stirrin wik a tornado. I fink it warmer dat nite r sumfin, but eben da mice wuz skitterin n da dark. I cud hier dem awl way upstairz so I wen don ta wook. I flag don a beetle famly n ask wat goin on, but dey jus kep goin. Den I hier WHOOSH, n Ray Da Raven landz nearby. Aha! I fink. Ray iz supah wurdly, he mus kno! So I runz up ta him. He gulp don 2 or 3 ob da littl mice b4 turnin hiz BIG beady eye on me!

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Sup, Catito!”

He looks past me at da fast disappeerin beetl family n push pas ta go afur dem. I tell him bout mah misshum ta kno awl bout Catmas, speshal meets, n da Hum Bug. Da big Raven don tawk at furs cuz he munchin. Den jus wen I fink he no gud, he cleerd hiz gravely throt n tellz me da sad tale ob da Furst Twee Dat Mus Die, long long long ago n da coldest ob winterz, wen da Hoomans go insid ta get warm, but dey wuz sad ta leeb der Famly Twee so dey cut it don n took it insid da warm plac, but wifowt da eerf unerneef da twee it shrivld n die, jus az da leebs in Fall tiem.

So meow da hoomanz leeb awl yeer insid, but dey member da Twee Dat Mus Die wen it cold owt n so dey cuts don many Tweez dat mus die n put twinkly lites n dem lik fireflyz. Dis bin happnen almost az long az da Ravenz knoz, so long tiem.

Many Twees Died to Sav Catmas.

Later dat nite I run into Red Cat hoo iz meow datin Big Blu. Dey wuz takin da wee kittenz fur der furst foragin nite advenchur. Da bay bees wuz so mutch less matur den meseff, jumpin awl ober n crawlin on ebryfing, eben da big cats, n mewin mewin mewin nonstop. I try ignor dem, eben wen dey try crawl on me, but it wuz hard nawt ta puml n run! Soz I ask dem awl wat dey knoz bout Catmas tew?

Da luv kittehz lookd at eechoder n sez togever

“Tis Da Nite ob Speshal Meets!”

Da kittenz crawl on Blu n try look unner hiz i patch.

“Meet, Meet, Meet!”

Den Blu tell me awl about hau Hoomanz awl ober da wurld leeb meets ob awl shaps n sizes n da owtsid bins wuns a yeer. Dis wonderfur nite awl da animalz can feest on da darkest nite ob da yer.

we haz ta go fin da bins?

Iz dat Catmas!? Sond nice. bery nice. Ok Pawsum! I hop it nawt jus fur owtsid animalz.  Maby it sam az Terri’s Speshal meets n Izzie’s Tasty meets?

Well I hop to find owt sewn, cuz we goin ta Gramaz Haus fur Catmas, parently. Ob couws, jus wen I wuz gettin xcited ta see “Da Nite ob Meets” we R leebin.

Do dey eben haz DA MEETS don dere at Gramaz? Will me furst Catmas be meetless!?

Nobody knoz.  If dey do dey R nawt tellin me.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 42

OMG – Ribbunz R grat!

i iz at Gramaz Haus. Catmas iz awl it wuz describd az. Dere iz a big furry tree (Dat Mus Die) n da big room n it haz twinkly lites dat go on n off. Unner it iz lots ob Boxes covrd wif da shiniest ob crinkly paprz n slippery ribbunz.

OMG – Ribbunz R grat! Speshally wen da hoomanz mak dem slid cros da flor n I runz qwik n gwab, twist it, pull it don n keel it. Den I meow fur dem hoomans ta do it agin. N dey do! I iz da bes at dis gam, but Izzie fink she iz n Azeera warn me nawt ta show her she bee wrong. Nawt yet. I tew littl. Watevah.

Izzie iz such a tool sumtiemz. But soz I nawt gib Azeera a hart attak, I jus let Izzie win wen she play Ribbun. Hey it kewl, I yung! Plus I knoz I iz da Baby Cat Man n I roolz da Ribbun Ride.

9 Cwazy Nites!

Nyway, turns owt Izziez song nawt tew far off. Furst we got boxez, den we crinkl n chas shiny string unner da twinklin tweez. Den we eben got pwesents fur 9 Cwazy Nites, jus lik Izzie sed!  Da furst nite ob pwesents I get teeny box in crinkly paprz dat I keel n dat nawt awl! Insid iz sum fancy catijuana!

Anoder nite I get a box tied up in string! I fink it had a mows toy insid, but da box wif string wuz AMAZIN! Dere wuz windy buzzy fings dat bzzzzzzzzzzzz acros da flor n skard da oder cats. Der wuz TWEETS! So many tweets! Sum crunchy, sum soft, sum meety. I wike da won spikd wif catnip da best, ob couwse!

Den we haz Nite Ob Meetz!

Dere wuz or dervz ob lunch meets n cheez on cwunchy discs. Da hoomans tried ta kep dem ta demselvs but I stol a bunch n sampld eech won b4 sharin wif Da Oderz. We R awlreedy stufd by dinner but den comz da Beef Bwisket, afur mommy pardoned da ham n set it fwee. N it wuz wike we wuz starvd, wike we neber eet b4.

I cud eeten da hole spred, but we had ta play dis gam ob Catch Da Meets wif da Hoomanz. Dey drop sumfin n yoo catch or somwon els will. We had ta compete wif da oder 3 resident cats n FOUR dogs, so I wuz frustratd n worrid I nawt get enuf wen da hoomans start takin da meet plats away. But den awl da animalz followd gramma tew da fud room n she gab awl ob us R own plat ob meets frum da left oberz!

I fink Catmas pretty grat, rite? Boxez, Crinklz, Twinkly Tweez (dat I climbd on wen no won lookd!), Ribbunz, 9 nites ob presents ( cuz Mommy wikes Cattukah ) n Da Meets! But dat nawt awl it wuz. Bah Humbugz iz dere tew (Daddy) but dat not it. No der wuz sumfin dat no won tol me bout at hom. Sumfin dat I herd frum da Big Alpha Dog dat lib wif gramma. Hiz nam iz Picaso.

Picasso, da Alpha Dog ober dere sez Catmas n DogMas R bout Eberywon Comin Togeber.

Eberywon? I ask.

Cuddl n Snuggl Pilez dat wook wike Tweez! He sez.

Dis mad me go, Waat? I twy tawk ta Puss on fon bout awl dis but she trapd wif her Famly sumwer n da SNO. Wy she nawt wif me!? I dunno. She wif Famly. I wif Famly. Hey maby dat da fing – Famly.

Perhapz Catmas bout Famly? Cuddl n Snuggl Pile? Were dat com frum?? I iz reelly sleepy afur awl dat meet. I go sleep. Figur it owt tomorrow on BOXIN DAY!!!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 43

Today iz Boxin Day.

I fink tis Me Day, cuz tis da pawfect cat holiday. Dere R boxez rond ebery corner n Crinklz fill da air. Da yung dogz n cats n hoomans run n play wile da ole wonz rest der bellyz n haz mini cuddl pilez. Cuddl Pilez!

Yoo kno waff!? I finly kno wat Catmas iz! I eben kno wy we cawlz it dat. I figur it owt wen I stumbl into R room las nite n find a CatMas Twee ob snorin hoomanz, dogz n cats pild tew da sky. Dey wuz piled won on top ob eechoder frum big on botum to leetl on top, jus lik a tree. N da pil wuz purrin n warm n happy – it lookd so comfy.

So up I went wif me box, awl way to da top, n set it on Azeeras bak. I crawld in n driff off rokd softly by da risin n fallin ob da snugl pile. Den I wok up sum tiem in da meedl ob da nite n Azeera wuz lookin at me wif her swirlin blu i’s

“Wy R yoo in da box, Catnip? Tis a Catmas Cuddl Twee Pile – dere R no boxez in a Cuddl Twee.”

I try play dum n stay n me box but doez i’s haz powerz n soon I iz climbin owt. I swar no won but Azeera saw me, but I climbd owt me box n curld into Azeera’s fur wif me pawz jus tuchin Terri n Izzie. I relaxd don into da fur, so soft n cudly. So warm n purry.

Feels so rite.

CatMas – I get it. Cuddlz rool!

Jus don tell nobody I sed so. Oh n Mary iz jus noder wurd fur Happy, R so say da Twin Blak Doggiz dat leeb at Gramma’s.

So nyway I fink dat it awl mak sens meow. Catmas comz wen iz supah cold. Sum hoomanz bring tweez insid n put boxez unnerneef, wile oderz gib crinkly paprz n pwesents fur many dayz ( i iz luky, we do bof ). N we awl get gud meets, eben da street creeturz, but mos ob awl we get togever wif Famly n haz cuddl pilez!

Nyway, wateber it cawld I lik it! It wuz a Mary Catmas fur awl Cuddlerz n Bah Humbugz, n Tew Awl Cuddl Pilez

Gud Nite!

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Catnip’s Supah Speshal Turkey Feest-acular

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(tis hapnd last year)

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 33

I Herd Da Mewz Today, Oh BOY!!!

 

I herd howribl mewz today in da cat room. I wuz mindin me own kibblz n bits wen me herd da lady hooman say sumfin bout TURKEY day. Me earz went BING(!) n perkd rite up cuz me lovz turkey! Den da Lady sed, “they won’t be happy if they miss the Turkey, maybe we should bring them some after?”

Waaaaat!? MISS DA TURKEY!!!?? I iz alarmd, but maby, I fink, I nawt understan. So I mov ta intercept da hooman Lady wif me supah fantastic kitten eyez. I playz it up hard n eben add in a sad littl “mew???” so she don haz chance. “Awwwww, poor little Catnip, did yoo heer me say NO TURKEY fur yoo? Don worry, we’ll bring a little bak fur yoo guyz.” Den she reechd don n floofd me hed furz. Da nerb!!!

At dis pont, I wuz in tew mutch shok ta respond az I shud. I shud ob hissd n scratchd n raisd da ded ta attak da meen lady hooman. How can dey be soooooo meen?! No TURKEY on Turkey Day!?? Ebil Hoomanz! I curs dem wif awl da kitteh powerz I haz n den curs dem som mor. Den da Lady pik me up n gib me kissez n hed skritches, sayin “Poor baby Catnip.”

Oh NO, I fink, I nawt be foold into snugglin wen I so pissd! Dat wen I hiss, n I HISSD big n SCARY. So scary dat I scar da hooman n she drop me. “Bad Catnip!!” I hissd agin n ran off ta hav a gud fink on hau me gonna fix dis Turkey Day Disaster!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 34

Kitteh Tortur to da Resue.

???

I spent a gud day n a haf  bein growly n sad. I barly notisd me kibblz n bits, n da play in me had gon off sumware ta fester n die. Didn’t eben enjoy me mornin tong bath n stopd halfway. Puss callz but I jus press red. Den she callz n txts sum mor but wen I finly txtz her me Turkey-marez she sez “Aw, Nippy, don hiss. I bring ya Turkey frum da Prison.”

OMG! I savd, rite!? O. O no. She meenz da Prison’s ‘Turkey Loaf’ dat coms wif brown goo. I feel sik. Dis cant be mah Turkey Day fate! I spend sum tiem dry heevin n feelin sorry fur meseff n da corner. Me feel heevy wike a big paw holdin me don n I don wan do nuffin.

Gud fing me haz mah Bro n Sisfurz! Dey notis me actin weerd n so ob cors dey start teezin me wifowt mersy. Izbella drawz furs blood wif a drivby hit. Dis wen yoo walk by a kitteh n dey grabz ur behind wif dere clawz. It sumtiemz hurtz, speshally wen Izbella doez it. N dis tiem, she grab me extra hard. So I screem, lowd! Dis bring da oder kittehz runnin – I iz still da babeh – ta see if I dyin r sumfin.

Azeera, wif her big blu eyez, floofs n circlz me sniffin n inspectin, lookin fur woondz. Curs I haz non, so den she wook at me wik I bad kitty, wakin her frum her slumber fur nuffin. I try look pass her BIG BLU STARE, but it tew brite ta ignor n I can feel it sukin me in. Did I menshun she haz supah powerz ob mind shenaniganz dat yoo reely don wan mess wif? I shak meseff hard, lettin da rippl effect tak ober. It rollz don mah bak owt da tip mah tail n den rolls awl way bak ta me whiskerz. Dis cleer da blu frum me mind, leest fur meow.

Ob cors, dat wen Terri tak hiz turn at Kitten Tortur. He so sneeky. Da gangly tabby walk funy but wen he walk round me, he so smooth az he go faster n faster wif hiz rorshak furz n scary asymetrik eyez. Oh no!! Dat wen I knoz he gonna hypnitiz me!!  Hiz big stripz n littl stripz stawt swirlin into crazy patternz n hiz ded eye pullz at me draggin me don. I feel dizzy awlreedy n sink ta da floor soz I don fall wen I pass owt —

Wen I com tew agin, mah 3 sibfurz iz awl lookin don at me. Waitin fur somfin, but I don kno wat. So I growl low in mah belly hopin dey go away. Dis nawt wurk n dey jus press closer. So I growl louder n twy look scary by spikin mah furz. Izbella jus laffs n ask why I so pissd. De oder tew jus nod n stare.

I tellz dem da horrid truff bout da Turkey Day Disaster. Den dey silent fur gud long wile. So long I begin wonder if dey eben herd me, but den Izbella hold up her massiv paw n declar dis EMERGENCY n triger de KITTY CRISIS RESPONS. I don kno wat dat meenz but Azeera sez jus be quiet n PAY ATTENSHUN.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 35

Forty Hedz iz Bettah den Won.

???

Ober da nex few dayz we four stuk R hedz togever n try com up wif sum planz. Furst we desid: NO TURKEY on Turkey Day iz nawt ok. We mus haz Turkey R we mite az well be mice, nawt cats. We cud hav mice loaf insteed, but it nawt same. I wike mice loaf, but dat mor fur CatMass n it nawt CatMass yet. So hau we get a Turkey wif owt da hoomanz? We fink n fink, but we don eben kno wer dez turkeyz com frum, so we at loss.

Den Mr. Ray Raven drop by wif hiz glossy blak feetherz sparklin in da sun. Glorius! I fink he so kewl! I wish I cud fly away tew. He sez hello n tellz us da latest neyborhood mewz. Nuffin bery intrestin, so I gets excitd n blurt owt dat we in Turkey Crisis. We den haz ta explan Turkey Day n hau da Hoomanz yooshally mak big feest fur us dis tiem ob seeson, but nawt dis year. We be turkey-free if we nawt find won R selvs, but we don kno wer dez Turkeyz growd at.

Mr. Raven listend n den he ruffld hiz feetherz til he look twice az big n mak a croakin sond in hiz throat. Azeera sed dat menz he finkin hard — shhhhhh! Da big blak bird begin pacin round da cat room. We awl silently watch az he go bak n forf fur eber. Den, he stops. He wook at me wif hiz shiny blak eye n sez ” Ka Kaw!” Azeera sez dat meenz he haz idea. “Kaaaa Kaaaaaaw!!!!” Den in a swirl ob feetherz he iz gon, flyin owt to da grat owtside.

Azeera (our official Raven – Cat interpreter) tellz us dat Mr. Raven went ta get sumfin n he be rite bak. I wonder wat dat be. Doez he haz Turkey in hiz tree!? Maby dat were turkeyz com frum. But befur I think any mor we heer a thunder ob wingz n da sky n owtsid R window turn blak. Den da haus fill wif Ravenz, so many Ravenz I wonder if dis invasion. But den Mr. Raven fly in n tak bak control. “Kaaaaaawwwww Kaaaaaawwwww!” Azeera sez he gonna hep us. He tell da Raven Army about dis Turkey Crisis n dey volunteerd ta seerch fur da turkeyz.

So we tell dem eberyfing we knoz bout dem turkeyz. Izbella so smart she eben explain de Turkey scent so dey nawt miss it! Den dey fly off lik a huuug thundering blak clowd. Dis tiem I cont dem n dere wuz FORTY RAVENZ at leest! I so excitd! Wif so many wurkin fur us we shur ta find a turkey by Turkey Day!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 36

Iz it Turkey Day if Dere No Turkey?

???

It been dayz sins da Unkindness ob Ravenz raind don on us. We seen dem flyin awl ober n heer der kawz abov, but dey haz nawt com bak. We begin finkin we bak were we wuz wif da Turkey Crisis, n dat we be skrewd. Puss txts me dat Da Prison Turkey jus arrivd n dere nuff ta tak heepz wif extra goo. Joy.

Izbella spends awl day watchin da sky n practicin her Ka Kaws fur da day wen she tak ober da Raven R Fowce  Dis her secret wish, ta becom da leder ob da Ravenz, n she fink we don kno, but me n Azeera laff bout it wen she nawt round. Imagin a big fat calico Cat Raven n yoo kno wy (THUD!).

Dis mornin Terri becam convincd dat da Ravenz nawt bak cuz dey faild n he com up wif plan B. Go ask da Garden Creeturz, he sez. Dere nuffin dey cant find, he clam. Izbella sez, but den we haz ta invit dem n dey dirty nasty fingz! Dis ob cors bring up da obvious. Wat bout da Ravenz? Eben if dey faild, dey wurkin hard n we haz ta invite dem tew! Suddenly we realiz we be hazin a Big F-in Partay wile da Hoomanz away n we still haz NO TURKEY!

So in spit ob de objectshunz we awl agree ta send a delegashun tew da Garden fur further recrootment tew R Turkey Cawz. Terri will leed it cuz he knoz all da Garden Creeturz ob note n I tag along ta offer me protecshun. Da Garden iz a bery scary place, yo kno.  Speshally at nite wen we haz ta sneek owt fur da recrootment mishun.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 37

A Raven n a Racoon Walk Into a Garden.

???

Me n Terri n Azeera sneek owt ober da fence later dat nite. Softly we pad don da concret path n cross da open dirt grond tew da grassy plac, den we slip under da tall treez dat cober da empty lot nex door. So many weerd sondz n shaps, I try nawt to look scard, but mah hart iz thumpin tew lowd. Eben so, da plac look empty ta me. So wen three dirty cats apeer, I jump a foot off da grond. Azeera try nawt tew sniker.

“Don worry, Brofur, dey kewl.” Terri tellz me, n I try stay calm az Terri entwinz wif da dirty cats in intimat greetinz.Dey smell ob pee n dirt n wild fingz, so I kep mah distance unlik Terri n Azeera. Gud fing tew, sins oderwise I nawt see da Racoon Twinz sneekin up behind Azeera. I screech awkwardly, warnin da oder catz. Raccoonz emerg frum da dark n flank R group. Mor ob da Raccoon Family apeer long wif da Twinz n soon we surrounded.

I fink fur shur we ded kittehz meow, but jus az I do dere a blak wind dat whips by me. Da Raven Fowce haz reappeard! Mr. Raven lands tween us n da Raccoonz haltin R certin death. Den dey skwak n we star n growl, n dey growl n chittr bak – da growlz get so big dey rumbl n bons against da treez round us. Den Mr. Raven squaks lowder n we awl fall silent R hars bristlin. I get so nerbus in da silens dat I suddenly blurt owt: TURKEY!!!!

A hundred glitterin eyes turn tew me n I agin fink mah tiem haz cum. I try look kewl. Den fankfuly Terri sez “Turkey Day iz comin, n we haz NO TURKEY.” Mr. Raven look sheepish n sez “Kaw!!” Terri sez, “Da Ravenz lookin, but find nuthin yet. Wez hopin ta get hep frum yoo Garden Folk cuz yoo find anyfing. Rite?” I fink I heer criketz. Azeera braks da awkward paws. “Ifn yall find us Turkeyz den we haz Turkey Day Feest rite here fur awl!”

Da Garden folk murmur amongst dem selvs n I heer “Turkey” echo round da crowd ob Garden Creeturz dat haz meow exploded into many shaps, sizes n species. A squirrel chitters somwer n den a raggedy red cat steps forward. Da Red Cat haz many battl scars n her furz iz bumpy n spiky lik it hom ta many oder fingz. She sez she may kno a plac dat haz so many turkeyz dey nawt miss won r tew. She rekwest a contingent ob scary creeturz ta liberat da tasty meets. Many Ravenz n Raccoonz volunteer along wif som ob da skariest Garden Cats I eber seen.

Me n Terri n Azeera hang bak cuz compard tew dem we jus tew qt n innocent. Anyway, R mishun haz been success. We fank da Red Cat n also Mr. Raven fur hiz continud support. Den we hed bak hom ta plan da biggest Garden Partay EBER!

I call Puss woo haz ta wurk at ‘Turkey Loaf’ Prison Turkey nite n try reel hard nawt tew pre-gloat. Ok nawt tew hard.

Catnip Jurnal Entry 37.5

Da Turkeyz Haz Lef Da Bildin.

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Da Garden Contingent haz bin triumfant. We haz turkeyz comin owt R kitteh earz n I so happy! Wez eben got oder foodz ta go wif da turkeyz. Der sumfin calld stuffinz dat stuffd in da turkeyz wik a yummy crem fillin. N dere silky smooth turkey soup dat calld gravy, enuf fur ebery creetur at da partay! It gonna be spectacular! Meow I reely gon gloat!

 

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 38

Da Supah Speshal Garden Creetur Feest-acular.

Da Hoomanz jus lef n wez awl hedin owt ober da fence into da dark Garden. We cross da grass n duk under da treez n suddenly it nawt dark anymor. Dere fireflyz dancin under da leevz in n endless mysterious pattern ob loops n circlz. It mak da shadows fliker as if by firelit. Lite splashz cross scorez ob Garden Creeturz: Squirrelz, Sparrowz, Spiderz, Ravenz, Rats n Raccoonz mixd wif raggedy Stray Cats ob awl colorz n sizes. Dere wuz eben Possums blinkin blindly in da firefly lite, a stringy wild dog pair n sumfin I fink wuz a wild cat dat had no tail.

Mr. Raven n hiz famly sat wif da Raven Army in a semi-circle. Dey butiful, shinin lik metal soldierz. Dey face da inter-mixd creeturz in anoder semi-circle; wif da Raccoons arangd frum big tew small and da rest arrangd by famly n spesheez group. We slip in wif da cats nex ta Red Cat woo meow haz two tiny red kittenz buried n her furz, suklin at her teets. Dey look at me den return tew suklin. I guessd dey don kno bout turkeyz yet.

Spekin ob turkeyz – FOUR R trottd owt on da baks ob varius creeturz n lowrd tew da grassy grond. Da stuffinz ooz owt n mingl wif da green bladz n brown leevs. Den dozenz ob birds ob awl sizes apeer carryin wat look lik big curld leevz. Dey softly flutter don n set in front ob each won ob us a steamy leef bowl ob gravy. Den a team ob smartly featherd sparrows start takin eberybodyz turkey orderz. I rekwest a leg bone wif stuffin n soon a huge turkey drumstik n mound o stuffin iz placd befur me. Izbella getz a lovly pile ob wite meet, Terri getz a wing n Azeera getz dark meet. Den we awl dig in.

Awl da animalz munchd n slurpd lowdly round da cirlc n da fireflyz dansd lik a flam in a breez. Da turkey meets iz delishus n da gravy n stuffin R tastier den I eber imagind. I look round wile eetin ta see so many creeturz sittin sid by sid dat yooshally wud be fightin. But we awl furiendz today cuz we haz turkey!

Affur we eet we awl ly about wif big fat bellyz n da Raccoonz n Ravens start tellin jokes bout ded fingz n hoomanz. I nawt tell wich is bout wich da way dey tawk, but parently bof Ravenz n Raccoonz fink Hoomanz R n endless font ob foodz fur dem n it on purpos. Dey talk bout somfin calld a compost pile wich I try tell dem iz trash, but dey sez dat crazy. Cleerly da Hoomanz ment it fur dem, wy else it alwayz be in nice pile!? Or da stuff in da plastic binz awl lind up by da road. Perfect fur Raccoonz ta raid – it mus be deliberat, rite!? I gib up n let dem fink wat dey want.

Wat do I kno, dey fond da Turkeyz, rite? So maby dey kno mor dan me. Nyway, I do kno dis – da answer ta awl da wurldz problemz: Turkey. Gib yer enemies a turkey dinner n dey becom yer furiends. Well. At leest til dinner iz ober!!

Dis wuz da best Turkey Day eber, n I fink we do it agin nex Turkey Day! Hoo needz Hoomans? Am I rite!?

I call Puss meow n see hau she lik her Turkey Loaf.

Catnip Owt.

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Dis Cud Have Been a Catastrophe

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 22

Lionz n Tigerz n Bearz, Oh My !

It wuz dark wen we had r supah Top Secwet meetin n we wuz kickass hawt in R costumz. I went az a lion, Blu wuz a fuzzy wuzzy bear n Puss came az a scawy tiger. I almos jump oot me mane wen Puss appeared at me side. She wuz gloryus in her orange n bwak stwipez n she wuz absolutly terrifyin. Blu n I had ta nail R feets to da gwound nawt to hi tail it oota der. Nex to her we both wook wik kittens pwayin dwess up. It took a few minuts for I cud eben concentwat on her wordz so I missed da beginnin. Sumthin ’bout disciplin n proper awthorati makin da job lik buttah. I willy wemember da “buttah” comment cuz affur dat all I cud fink about wuz lappin up a slippery cold bowl o buttermilk. Fankfully Blu n Puss were on it doe. Dey rapid firin a ping pong discussion on da bes way to keep da twoops on task. Da qwesshon wuz da method o motivatin – Puss wuz pro-Fear n Blu wuz pro-Love. I wuz pro-tweatz,

We wuz prolly gettin noisy den, cuz dat wen da doggy nex door screemed n hiz hi pitched altered voice dat sound lik a mouse. We all stopped r-gu-in n look round fur da mouse. N dere was Dog makin tiny arf arf soundz dat come oot mor like squeekz. We cud nawt hep it but laff. We laffed so hard me tummy stawt hurtin. Den Dog joined in wike a munchkin on helium n we stawt cwyin fur mercy we laff so much.

So fur da sake o security we had ta tell Dog good nite n take da meetin inside.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 23

Wurldz Collide – Kitteh Armagedden

Soon az we went inside we wuz met by Azeara. Da rukus had woke her up n she wuz frisky n ober excited. Bein dat she very furiendly she had ta gweet both Puss n Blu formally. So dere wuz nose touching n butt sniffin n all ober inspecshanz fur da nex haff hour at weest. Affur dat dey mak da chit chat at da water bowl while I rile up sum kibble snaks. Dey wuz exotic rabbit n venison kibblez cuz o Azeara’s diet limitashanz so Puss n Blu wuz impwessed n call us cwassy. I pwoud n puff oot me chest.

Cors dat wen Isabella march in n saw dez scawy intwuderz steewin R foodz. N she wen full on kitteh attack mode wit da siren Mrrrrrrooow n eberyting. I wuz twuly skared fur me furiendz cuz Isabella iz dangerous wen she riled n I wuz sure dis de end o Puss n Blu. But Puss supriz us all wen she stood up ta Isabella lik a bwick wall. She jus calmly stand still n gav Isabella da hairy eyeball. Da res ob us jus fweeze. Eben Teri, who wuz still splayed oot in hiz cat bed pwactically oblivius, cwaled under hiz bwanket ta hide.

It wuz wike Kitteh Armageddon had cum to R haws n da firewooks wuz fwyin. Wiz. Bang!

Isabella’s siren went up an octave n her claws came oot, itchin ta stwike, but Puss jus stood n stawed. My hart wuz bangin so woud I cud nawt hear wat Puss n Isa said nex but it mussa been a zinger cuz Isabella suddenly growl n a way dat shak ur bonez n I clos me eyez nawt ta see da carnage dat wud follow. But den da hoomanz call frum da bedwoom,

“Isabella! Stop that! Leave the other cats alone!”

Isabella wook annoyed n embarrassed. She yowled dat dere wuz intwuderz but da hoomans jus yell at her agin. She stop mid-siren, hissed, den turned tail and sauntered bak to da bedwoom.

I wook at Azeara n her jaw on floor too. Puss wuzzn’t eben nervous. It wuz paaaaaaaawsuuuuum!

Affur dat we decided ta call it a nite n I invite Puss n Blu ta sleep ober on da catio.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 24

Thinkin Ootside da Box – We Getz Bizzy

Dis mornin wen I woke up I found Blu n Puss in deep discussion wit Isabella n Terri on how ta bes get thru all da boxes. Seemz dey gettin along now so I feelz bery relaxed n happy. I mew Puss wud mak it all betteh.

Sur enuf, by kibble-time dere iz a Master Plan n we all can get bizzy.

Master Plan: we give at weest haff da boxes away n den wurk in teemz under stwikt guidlinez ta recycle da west.

I go wit Blu n Terri ta deliber boxes to da needy kittehs in da empty lot down da stweet. We takeTerri cuz dis were he came frum an he knoz all da stwayz.

Wen we getz to da empty lot Terri letz oot a blood curdling yodel dat I neber hear befor. He say it da Call o da Wildz. N soon enuf a bunch scwaggly kittehz appear frum da shadowz. Terri introduce us ta hiz ole mates. Dere iz Sylvester, an ole tuxie, Pumkin, a floofy red gurl, and Moo, a cow kittey. Togeber dez thwee rulz da stway colony. I wuz sad tew see so many catz wit dem. Dere mus ha been at weest 15 cats in dat lot, maby mor. Sum were kittenz tew. Terri tawk wit hiz old buddiez fur a bit den we giv dem bout 20 boxes. Wen we lef da thwee were showin da kittenz how ta mak dere boxes comfy. Da older catz were alweady tuked in n snoozin. Dey so happy.

At hom, da oberz say dey give away bout 50 boxes to da ober solo stwayz n r various neighbor catz. Even Dog got a box dat he alweady chewin happily.

Den Blu, Puss n I took a load ober to da underpass fur da colony o stway hoomanz. I wuz worried dat dey wud be mean n scawy, but Puss wuz sure dey wuz jus hoomanz n we be fine. Turnz oot she wuz mossly rite, de stway hoomanz were jus dirty hoomanz wit oot denz. We gabe dem da big boxes, big enuf fur hoomanz ta sleep in, n let dem pet us fur a bit. Sum o dem were so tuched dey cwied. I pwetend I don see. Den a cwazy stway hooman showz up wantin all de boxes, n Blu had ta gib him a smak down. Dere wuz blood n screemin, den he run off n da ober hoomanz cheer. It wate so wez skedaddle on hom.

Puss n Blu stayed anober nite on da catio.

 

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 25

Hi Ho Hi Ho, Its Off ta Wurk We Goz

Today Blu n Puss assigned each ob us a recyclin task. Puss say dat we shud do wat we bes at alwayz. So we each gawt a task dat match R skillz.

Azeara gawt da bes job – Box Sleepin – n she getz rite ta wurk. Puss sez I shud nawt be jelous cuz my job eben betteh. I don kno bout dat, but I get to do Box Prep w Terri. Furst Terri head butt da boxes on each side, n den I walk in circles inside da box until dere is a nice sleeping spot in da middle. Den it goez ta Azeara fur da box sleeping. I still feel cheated oot a nap, but I yung so I no complane.

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In between boxes I watch Puss n Isabella in dere tasks. Isabella doez da scratchin in da furst phaz ob Box Modificatshan. Her cwas R bery sharp so it gud fur her n she willy wike it. Puss iz all da way at de last task – Box Smashin – n she getz into it. She wike ta run at da box, den do a flyin leap on top ta smash it gud. Da box don stand a chanz!

We also haz R ober furiendz wurkin hard. Da Raven famiwy iz bizzy pokin holz in da boxes wile dey kaw kaw kaw at each ober. Dey call dere station da Kaw Box, but really it pawt ob Box Modificatshan. R downstairz cat neighbors Theo n Jasper also haz Modification tasks. Theo iz batting da boxes wit her pawz til dere gud n boxed. Jasper iz biting da boxes til dey dog-eared. Eben Dog iz lik lik likin da boxes (nawt sur why, but no one haz tole him ta stop).

We all wurk hard frum mornin til Kibble time, chow down, n den we getz bak ta wurk agin til dark.

Den we all supah tired n dwop one by one to da gwound n sleep in place til mornin.

?

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 26

Da Twee Haz Fallen, N It Can’t Get Up

Today wuz a bery sad day, n me hart iz heavy n full o tearz.

We all woke earwy dis mornin to howwible soundz ob buzzing n da earff shakin. I thawt maby da wurld wuz ending but actually it wurs. Eben da hoomanz R upset.

Seems da lovely butiful tree dat da Ravenz livez in wuz bein cut down by sum bery ebil hoomanz. It wuz jus behind R haws so it also meenz all R shad iz gone. Da Ravenz wuz loosin dere mindz n it wuz all we cud do ta keep dem frum attakin da twee killerz. Dey wuz murderous. I wuz tew.

I felt specially bad fur Mr. Raven cuz he had ta be so stwong fur Mrs. Raven n Lil Raven who cud nawt stop cwyin. Dis wuz dere ancestral hom dat dey nested in fur generashanz. N if dat wuznt bad enuf, da twee killerz eben took dere nest n all dere mementoz. So nowz da Raven family is homeless.

Dis, ob curs, meant we did not do any wurk today. Instead we all sat round da Ravenz n comfort dem n listen to dere frantic kawz o pain n misery. We all so upset n depwessed dat we barely eat da kibble at Kibble Time.

Da hoomanz twy ta distwact us all wit catnip n toyz but we didn’t eben respond. Eventually dey gabe up n went to dere flashing screenz ta distwact demselves.

We all stayed togeffur n hep da Ravenz mak a temporary nest on da catio. Den it was nite agin an we all twy ta sleep. but no one willy did. We jus lie still n wook at da see ling while da baby Raven cwy in hiz sleep.

It wuz a howwible day.

?

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 27

Life Goez On n On n Kicks U in de Butt

Today wez got bak ta wurk. It wuzn’t eazy but Blu kicked all R buttz wen we gawt up, so we had no choice.

I actually woke to Blu dragin me frum my bed to my box station. He sed I mus be gud zample n get ta wurk so eberyone nawt cwy agin all day. I did wat he sed n so did my Sibs affur he dwag dem to dere stationz tew. By mid-mornin we wuz workin agin lik a fine hooman masheen.

‘Cept fur da Ravenz, dey had ta stawt findin a new twee ta live in n rebuild dere nest. Dey flew off shortly affur we woke. Dey pwomise ta twy find one nearby, but we all mew dat maby dey have to live far away now. We were all still bery sad, but we dove deep into da recyclin an twy nawt ta fink bout it.

At Kibble Time wez still depwessed n nawt hungwy so Blu twy mak us laff by teazin us wit hiz eye patch. He sez wez all sad saks n betteh stwaten up R he show us hiz eye hol n den we catch hiz eye diseez tew! We did nawt beleev him, but den he show hiz eye hol n we all scweem n mak him put hiz patch bak. Den we all laff at how much it scaw us. Blu wuz nawt offended, in fac I fink he enjoy ebery bit ob R fearz.

By da end o da day we actually gettin to da end o R mountain o boxes. I wuz amazed, n so wuz Isabella. She now finkz Puss iz her new bes furiend n dey getz long reel gud.

By nite we finish up n onwy da mew boxes R leff.

Den da Ravenz return wit gud mews – dey found a twee n it nawt tew far. Dey still rebuildin dere nest, but dey haz place ta sleep soon.

I happy wez all spend one mor nite togeffur before eberyone leevs. It wuz wike a kitten pile dat nite n it wuz nice.

 

Dis be me sisfur Azeara, Da International Cat of Mistery. Yoo can see her drivin’ advenchurs on Instagram.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 28

Da Job iz Don – Let’s Celebrate Wike it 1999

We all don wit catchin up on da box recyclin now so we spent da day celebratin. Da hoomanz gabe us all catnip n we wuz drunk wit nippiness. Eben da Ravenz had sum before dey flew off ta dere twee ta finish dere nest. I don fink it did nuthin tew dem, but it wuz gud ta share.

Da west ob us spent da day in a catnip haze lazin round wike we cats wike ta do. We tole cat ghost stowies n Blu teazed us mor by showin us hiz ebil eye hol. We laff n laff dis time cuz it willy wuzn’t so scawy anymor.

At Kibble Time da hoomanz wuz gud staff n gabe us tuna fur a surpriz. We went cwazy gobblin it all down lik we wuz stawvin. I neber ben so full!

Den Jasper n Thoe, da neighbor cats, went hom n it wuz jus us wit Puss n Blu.

Blu stawt tellin me bout hiz Cosplay Club n how he n Puss been memberz furevah n dey wan me ta join tew. It sound lik fun. Dey get togeffur each monff ta cosplay, n sometimes dere R theme partyz were u can goez az sumthin u hazn’t played befor. Da nex one iz Jungal themed soz I can still use me Lion suit dis time. Dey promis me I wud feel at hom n dey will be dere if I don. I agwee ta gib it a twy.

Den Blu an my Sibs went off to dere respective bedz n R soon snorin.

Me n Puss stay up talkin. We talk bout how da job went so well, n I fank her fur all her hep. Den we talk bout da time in pwison n how she still haz ta play it saf at wurk. Da boss iz suspishus, but he haz no pwoof dat Puss involved – yet. I worry fur her, but she tell me nawt tew cuz she be fine. She bring up R still pendin date, n we toss oot ideaz fur what ta do n where ta go. I wan ta go to a nice gawden pwace were we can chase insectz n haz goldfish dessert. Puss wantz ta go dancin in da moonlite. I nawt sure I gud at dancin, but Puss sez she teech me.

Den we tired n fore I knoz it we cuddlin in nice modified box snug az tew bugz n we dwiff off ta kitteh dweamland. A land where all da boxes R recycled n all da Ravenz haz twees n Puss n I dance wit goldfish.

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