Catnip’s Jurnal entry 1
We haz come tew da end o my Known Universe… Jk.
I was goin about my bizness, jus brakin’ down da last o’ da big boxes befur dey get bound fur frantic clawin’ in da mornin. N I say to myself: “Catnip, it 4:20, on 4/20 it def time fur me last kitty weed break o da day!” Gotta kep calm thru da trafficks home to da par-tay some how.
So I go sit utside n whips out my dandy new dry herb vape. I packs it w gooey green catnip, da gud stuff, from dat fancy catnip supplier.
I was so ready ta kicks it after a long week o recyclin’. I took my first sweet draw, n den, all a sudden, dere dis narco bitch growling n pinnin’ me to da ground. She mussa been new to da narc k9s r she had ta make quota, cuz she dinit care wen I hissed n told da bitch it jus catnip.
Actually I say, “Bitch, wat u doin!? Dis Catifurnia, don u kno weed iz legal?!” She sur did not like dat even do da dog wiz litrally a bitch. Bitches. Dogs. Whatever. So she put me in cuffs (not da fun ones) n tooks me in to da pokey.
Dey kept calling me KerMutt da Frog like it n insult when dey takin my paw prints, cuz i iz green I guess? I tole dem, no I iz a cat. But dey jus luff n tole me I be booked. I start callin’ dem sons of bitches – cuz dey R. But maby dey din’t like dat do cuz dey stick me in wit a coupla nasty strays w mange.
Ignorin da stench, I ask da gard fur ma fone call, but he say; “cats don’t hav rites!” n “I better get comfurtable cuz da cop dog say I iz a blackmercat drug pusher n a menace!” Den he bang da bars n mek me step back.
Blackmarcat drug pusher? Me? Cumon. I jus smoking me herb, man. Stoopid son of a bitch gards dat lissun ta dirty bitch dog cops!!!
Nyway, here I iz. Jailcat. Nuthin ta do but wait til dey A Rain me. Wtf?! Luky I smugled in dis fone, no ask. No WiFi, but at least I can Jurnal ta pass da time. Wish I had da doe ta bribe a guard fur da WiFi password tho… maby if I can jus get a cell signul I can call fur hep n funds…