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Catnip da Kittin in Jail fur Pawsession – Part 3

Jurnal Entry 7 – We Haz Plan wit da Man

Been here in da pokey fur a wittle ober a week nowz, feelz like yearz. Da food suks n da boxes dey soggy n moldy. What I wuldn’t give fur a nice bowl o kibble or a nice cwisp folding box under me paws. Oooooooo da sweet smooth paper tween my teef as I break dem down. Still dreamin dat box dream ebery night…

via GIPHY

Sigh. I miss bein me own man.

Spekin o da Man, me n Puss been gettin mighty close since I been in da pokey. She brings me tweats frum home an tells me stories ta pass da time. I tink she haz crush on ole Catnip so Iz rally flirty n super charmin wit her. I tells her she so purty n dat I wans to take her owt when I gets owt hier. She like dat lots so she start heppin me plan me escape!

Yep, I turnz da guard! I so sneeky.

Jurnal Entry 8 – It be Juvvie fur yoo, Boy

It been another week r so. Dat damn bitch dog keep comin up w excuses to not be at ma A RAIN ment n da judge gettin agro. He start sayin dey needz to sendz me to da juvie hall cuz I iz a minor sumthin n haz no peeps (most cats R considered minors, cuz we R qt and tiny).

I tell dem I haz peeps, but dey meanz blood peeps. Dey right dere, I haz no blood peeps cuz I wuz street cat n me Momma – I don eben remember her. So nyway, dis meanz I haz to escape ASAP or I be sent down da river to da place were kittens get mean.

via GIPHY

Jurnal Entry 9 – Puss to Da Rescue

Da Plan is comin togeffur, finally. Puss promise me I be safe n cozy at home fore dey come fur me fur da juvvie tranzfur.

So here da plan: Ebery week da pokey braks down dere trash n trucks come ta hall it away. Da slimy n grimy goes to da dump, but dey also haz recyclin, n dat goes to a recycler.

Ya see? Az a recyclin enterprenur, I knoz all doz playas in da recyclin biz. Soz Puss got me on da trash work detail n I called dem recyclerz n conspir ta recycl Me!!

Oh, n surpriz surpriz, da trash iz also how da catnip comes into da pokey. I been smokin kind herb n breakin down boxes fur days. I loves it! So much cardboard, so wittle time….

via GIPHY

Nyway, da plan iz dat when da trucks come tomorrow to pics up da trash n drop off da catnip contraband, I be dere ta hep dem load up n Puss will distract de oder guards while da truck driber (Purty Pete, a friend o mine I knowz frum ma biz) hep hidez me under da cardboard. Puss gonna give da guards da furst o da catnip blunts ta keep dem frum seein I gone til long affer da truck leave. She sured me she haz plan to not be blamed fur ma escape, so I not wurry. I rally start to like dis gurl fur reelz, so I don want anyfing bad fur Puss. I tink I may ask her owt fur reel when all dis done.

 

Jurnal Entry 10 – Da Long Goodbye (or I Got You, Puss)

Today iz da dey. All goes well, I be home in me own cat bed tonight!

via GIPHY

I excited and maby a wittle sad. I rally make sum gud buddies here. Me n Frank got reel gud at playin checkers n Blue eben come around lately.

He see I in wit Puss so he like me now an turnz owt he really a kewl dude. We both into da same kinda Cosplay – playin like we oder animals n such. We spent one afternoon in da yard doin penguins wit white placemats round our necks n waddlin bak n forth. Eberbody loved it n laughed reel hard at us.

Made Blue grin so big, neber seen dat before! I tink I send him dis when I gets out.

Pakin me stuff n gettin ready to go. Me shift wit da trash start in 20 minutes n den I outta here! But first I gonna give Puss some daisies I found in da yard n ask her owt proper before I go…

Weeeee! She said yes, We goes ta dinner affer I gets owt, next Fursday! Ok, next entry will be frum home or bust!!

Jurnal Entry 11 – Home Agin Home Agin – Jiggity Jig

Guess what? It werked! I iz home sweet home n rollin n da clean cwisp cardboard n fresh crunchy kibbles. I eben got a ounce o da kindest catnip frum da contraband stash care o Purty n Puss. Eben better, since dis da kindest bud I eber seen, I ashk ta be put on da master delibery list. So I be gettin more kind catnip den Gawd purty soon. Maby I pass sum on to me customers, If I don use all meseff!!

Nyway, so glad to be home sweet home! Did I learn me lesson? Well, I neber smoke da herb owtside in public agin, I jus haz edibles nex time.

Or hire me a security guard. I hear Blue might get out in a few months if he makez parole he gonna need a gud job. I ashk Puss when we goes owt what she fink.

Nowz fur a long long sleep n me cat bed!

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Catnip-da-Kitten in Jail fur Pawsession Part 2

Catnip’s Jurnal

Jurnal Entry 2 – Nite in da pokey

Peeps, I iz in da big box, I ndz $$ fur bale n green, please! via GIPHY

Still stuck in jail fur partakin o da herb, still tryin to call home. Finally, after trying every conceevable position and spot in ma tiny cell I found I cud get a fone signul by hangin from da ceiling. I mediatly send a message to ma peeps.
I hopz dey leest send me sum $ fur catijuana. It srsly spensiv n here but mucho plentiful n dank af. Oh here comez a gard.

 

Jurnal entry 3 – Catnip in da Slammer fur da weekend

I spent da day looking at ma offline catporn n tryin ta get a signul agin. No luck. via GIPHY

I think da gardz R watchin me, so I hide da fone meow.

 

Jurnal entry 4 – Catbox Sunday without Boxes

I goin stir crazy. It be #CatBoxSunday n dere no boxes n site. I jonesin hard fur da sweet cardboard neath n above n all round. Duuuuuudez! I be dreamin o boxes ober hier!!!

 

Come Back Box! via GIPHY

I so bored I get ta talkin sum wit me jail mates n I start hearin about dis head cat named Blue. He s’posed be scary dude w one i n a big scar.
He run da prison catnip ring. Nyway dat wat dis mangy dude Frank tole me when I ask ’bout how dey get such powerous weed in hier.
He say, “U can fank dat Blue, man. But don, don eber lookie him in da i, cuz he kill ya sure az look at ya wit dat big i!”

 

 

via GIPHY

Leest I gots sum funds frum owtside n can buy da jail weed. Fanks me homies! Got a nice fatty ready ta blaze soon we get lites out. Oh here dey cum da gardz.

 

Jurnal entry 5  – Not a Funday Monday

 

via GIPHY

Jus got werd, ma a-rain-mint been pushed back. Dog cop can’t come til Wed. Bitch! Leest got sum time ta raze $$. SLO goin so far. Enuf fur catnip, newt fur bale. Litter! i needz dat dam signul. C’ on cat. Awww yes! Sendin’…

 

“ I here in da Big Box, but der R no boxes fur me to recycle. Pls send mor money fur bale. Free me, Catnip da Kitten! and I will sendz yoo freed jail-gron catijuana”.

 

And lost da signul. Well, hope it went cuz here com da gardz!

 

Jurnal entry 6  – Catnip gets Lucky or How I met da Man

i iz da man

 

So bored today wit da ignorant cats I locked up wit, I instigated a cat fight…

Then I gots ta talkin w dis gard cat – Pussy Pants. She a big fluffy calico w devil eyes n an executioners mask, but she ok. I tell her ’bout ma box recyclin bizness n she tease me w a burger box. She throw it in and ask me ta smash it like a professional

Actually, I woulda socked her gud den, if I hadn’t herd a rumor dat dis enormous furry Pussy waz da Man. I meanz da Real Man. Not like Blue, who turnz owt was jus da muscle on my side o da bars. My face still hurt frum where he punch me affer I fank him fur da kind bud… Yeah, dat waz da cat fight.

Listen to Frank, dat iz da lesson. But den Frank tole me dat he herd Blue don like bein fanked cuz he knos he NOT da Man. N Blue iz fraid o no onez but Her. Everyone iz. So I bein a smart kitten, put two n two togeffur n gets… I waz neber gud at maffs without QuizBooks, but u nose wat I menz.

Nywayz, long story short, I gots da WiFi passwerd n I gots da best connect a cat culd have in jailz. So I message ma peeps n tell ’em we gotz a plan ta getz me outta here, n maby even get rich!

 

“Ma Peeps, Good news – I gots WiFi. Bad News – I still in jail. Please send funds. I haz plan to escape, but needz ur hep!

 

U send fundz, I send u da best Jail Weed as fank u! More Later.

Den I gets down ta bizness makin ma plans… Sweet!

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Catnip da Kitten Goez to Jail fur Pawsession

Catnip’s Jurnal entry 1

 04/20/2019

We haz come tew da end o my Known Universe… Jk.

I was goin about my bizness, jus brakin’ down da last o’ da big boxes befur dey get bound fur frantic clawin’ in da mornin. N I say to myself: “Catnip, it 4:20, on 4/20 it def time fur me last kitty weed break o da day!” Gotta kep calm thru da trafficks home to da par-tay some how.

So I go sit utside n whips out my dandy new dry herb vape. I packs it w gooey green catnip, da gud stuff, from dat fancy catnip supplier.

 

I haz to break da boxes down befur frantically clawin' dem to complete da recyclin'

I was so ready ta kicks it after a long week o recyclin’. I took my first sweet draw, n den, all a sudden, dere dis narco bitch growling n pinnin’ me to da ground. She mussa been new to da narc k9s r she had ta make quota, cuz she dinit care wen I hissed n told da bitch it jus catnip.

Actually I say, “Bitch, wat u doin!? Dis Catifurnia, don u kno weed iz legal?!” She sur did not like dat even do da dog wiz litrally a bitch. Bitches. Dogs. Whatever. So she put me in cuffs (not da fun ones) n tooks me in to da pokey.

Dey kept calling me KerMutt da Frog like it n insult when dey takin my paw prints, cuz i iz green I guess? I tole dem, no I iz a cat. But dey jus luff n tole me I be booked. I start callin’ dem sons of bitches – cuz dey R. But maby dey din’t like dat do cuz dey stick me in wit a coupla nasty strays w mange.

Ignorin da stench, I ask da gard fur ma fone call, but he say; “cats don’t hav rites!” n “I better get comfurtable cuz da cop dog say I iz a blackmercat drug pusher n a menace!” Den he bang da bars n mek me step back.

Blackmarcat drug pusher? Me? Cumon. I jus smoking me herb, man. Stoopid son of a bitch gards dat lissun ta dirty bitch dog cops!!!

Nyway, here I iz. Jailcat. Nuthin ta do but wait til dey A Rain me. Wtf?! Luky I smugled in dis fone, no ask. No WiFi, but at least I can Jurnal ta pass da time. Wish I had da doe ta bribe a guard fur da WiFi password tho… maby if I can jus get a cell signul I can call fur hep n funds…

Free Catnip wit yoor purrchase!

Catnip da Kitten was unfairly arrested and incarcerated fur pawsession of a Class-1 edible on 4/20, a major holiday fur catnip and hooman-nip enthusiasts. Will he end up in solitary confinment? Will he come ta rule da prison?  Find owt next time Catnip finds a signal…

Meanwhile all funds fur Catnip will go towrds securing hiz freedoms!

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