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Homecomin’: I iz out of da Pokie!

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 12

It 3am, Do u Kno Where Ur Cat Iz ????

Woke at 3am ta me Sisfur Azeara sniffin me all ober. She old (15 years!) so she got stinky breaff, but I so tired I don eben fight her wen she start groomin me face n head. It was kinda nice rally. Don tell anyone I sez dat do – or I claimz Fake Mewz!

When she got down ta me tickl spot (I nawt tellin eben u dat very top secret info!!) it made me shreek n den she stop groomin me. Azeara tell me dey all ben so so worried abut me wen I gone. Den she scold me like a wee week ole kitten bout scarin da hoomanz. Dey wuz parently a wreck. Den she pat me on da head wit her paw n purr me bak ta sleep.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 13

Dream a Wittle Dream of Puss n Nip

I haz a rally gud dream. Me n Puss wuz sittin in a wittle box inside a huge box n we wuz playin a game balancin boxes. Of course I wuz winnin. It wuz so fun and I wuz sooo happy. She sez “I her Nip,” den Blue crash into us an I wokez up wit a jolt. Den I miss Puss n Blue n da gang.

I text Puss I iz home n I miss her trilling me awake in da mornin. She text back she miss me tew!! Den she text I gotta lay low n not call r text fur a bit til da heat on me escape die down. So I iz a fugitiv n cant leave da home frunt fur at lest a week r talk ta me boo. Poop! I be mad abut dat if she hadn’t promis ta set tings right asap so wez can go owt on our date night!

Still earwy, I go back ta sleep – I so tired I cud sleep a monff.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 14

Home iz Where da Heart iz – also snuggles n rubs

When I finally left me cat bed round mid sun I wuz greeted by me hooman servants like I wuz sum long lost King come to let dem please me. I did not object.

Dey gave me kisses n squeezed me n nattered on like dey do bout how dey so worried. Dey so sad when I gone n I must neber run oft agin. I twied to cowect dem bout where I wuz, but dey not listen. I nawt mind so much cuz dey give me all ober rubs n I fell into a purr stupor. Den dey arm lifted me to da Big Bed n we all piled in n haz a snuggle nap.

Later afur da nap I got speshal tweats n me favorit kibble. Mama eben gave me a reel sardeen to kill n devour. It wuz yummy. I iz in Heaben…. wait what iz dat anyway? I dunno actually but sum hoomans say it da best place n da Ooniverse n dat iz def were I at.

Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 15

Dere iz a Ting as Tew Much Catnip – Hoo Mew

Found owt frum da Sisfurs dat dey had no idea where I wuz all dez weeks. Dey neber got dem messages cuz dey furgot howz to charge dere fonez wit me nawt here! Nawt dat I surprised. But what rally piss me off iz dat I tole Petey ta come by n check on dem.

I callz him up n cussed him owt. He sez he furgot. Prolly cuz he use too much dat super catnip frum da pokey. But he reel sorry n he gonna mak it up ta me by bringin by a salmon he snatch frum da fish merkat cart dis mornin durin his scrap roundz. I tellz him he give me a bigger cut o da catnip contraband scheme n den we eben. I iz gonna be rich!

Den I takes nap in da sun spot n da Sisfurs came n book end me like we sum sandwitch. It funny but dey both reeked of catnip so I ask if dey find me stash while I gone. Both laffed n sez what stash like dey innocent. But I checked n me stash iz gone so I mak dem tell twuth by holding onto deyr hooman nip.

via GIPHY

 

Turnz owt eberyone so upset when I gone dat da hoomans raid me stash ta keep da gurls frum freakin. Dey ben hopped up on catnip fur weks. Dey so hung ober eben me contraband catnip jus made dem shrug.

Kno wat dat meanz do, right? Da hole time I gone dere was NO RECYCLIN in me recyclin plant. Not one box! No one did dere jobz!

I try nawt to haz panic attack.

(story continues below)

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Catnip’s Jurnal Entry 16

Perfection iz da Enemy ob Greatness – unless u iz a Cat

I practiz seff-calm wit me rootines.

I go ta me Curlin Bed n demand da hoomanz “Tuck” me into me bed and made dem do extra long rubs. Den I jumped owt da bed n demanded it agin n agin. I dint let dem off da hook eben when dey complain. Dis made me happy fur a bit.

Den I went on me roundz owtside. Cheked de mailz on da owtside post: Da garden catz be goin cwazy wile I away – Someone had kittens – Five – Mr. Raven brought hiz new chick ta visit. – A dog (!!) cased da joint n left hiz scent – yuck!

I had ta stop and groom meself all ober ta get da doggy smell off my coat. Didn’t stop til me coat wuz perfect agin.

Den I sniff da stairs one step at a time carefur nawt ta miss a ting, but da Squirrels chittering above kep breakin me focus. I Rrrrrowl at dem, dey scatter. Momentary Joy.

Back in da house I chek n re-mark all me spots: Owter Door (check), Plants 1 – 6 (check), Doormat (check), Entrance (check), Sun Spot (check), Box box (check), Curlin Bed (check), Chair (check), Wittle Bed (check), Big Bed (check), Me Bowl (check), Cat Tree Spot (check).

I enter da Recyclin Plant. Ready or not, here goez…

Werk Area (check). Eberyting looks ok so far. Office door (check). Maybe its nawt so bad. Recyclin Inbox – Oh Gawd it waaaay worse den I thought!!!

Da unopened boxes, dey staked so high I fraid dey fall on me. I get da dizzies n collapz on da floor. I alweady crisis purrin lik cwazy.

Hooman,

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Catnip da Kittin in Jail fur Pawsession – Part 3

Jurnal Entry 7 – We Haz Plan wit da Man

Been here in da pokey fur a wittle ober a week nowz, feelz like yearz. Da food suks n da boxes dey soggy n moldy. What I wuldn’t give fur a nice bowl o kibble or a nice cwisp folding box under me paws. Oooooooo da sweet smooth paper tween my teef as I break dem down. Still dreamin dat box dream ebery night…

via GIPHY

Sigh. I miss bein me own man.

Spekin o da Man, me n Puss been gettin mighty close since I been in da pokey. She brings me tweats frum home an tells me stories ta pass da time. I tink she haz crush on ole Catnip so Iz rally flirty n super charmin wit her. I tells her she so purty n dat I wans to take her owt when I gets owt hier. She like dat lots so she start heppin me plan me escape!

Yep, I turnz da guard! I so sneeky.

Jurnal Entry 8 – It be Juvvie fur yoo, Boy

It been another week r so. Dat damn bitch dog keep comin up w excuses to not be at ma A RAIN ment n da judge gettin agro. He start sayin dey needz to sendz me to da juvie hall cuz I iz a minor sumthin n haz no peeps (most cats R considered minors, cuz we R qt and tiny).

I tell dem I haz peeps, but dey meanz blood peeps. Dey right dere, I haz no blood peeps cuz I wuz street cat n me Momma – I don eben remember her. So nyway, dis meanz I haz to escape ASAP or I be sent down da river to da place were kittens get mean.

via GIPHY

Jurnal Entry 9 – Puss to Da Rescue

Da Plan is comin togeffur, finally. Puss promise me I be safe n cozy at home fore dey come fur me fur da juvvie tranzfur.

So here da plan: Ebery week da pokey braks down dere trash n trucks come ta hall it away. Da slimy n grimy goes to da dump, but dey also haz recyclin, n dat goes to a recycler.

Ya see? Az a recyclin enterprenur, I knoz all doz playas in da recyclin biz. Soz Puss got me on da trash work detail n I called dem recyclerz n conspir ta recycl Me!!

Oh, n surpriz surpriz, da trash iz also how da catnip comes into da pokey. I been smokin kind herb n breakin down boxes fur days. I loves it! So much cardboard, so wittle time….

via GIPHY

Nyway, da plan iz dat when da trucks come tomorrow to pics up da trash n drop off da catnip contraband, I be dere ta hep dem load up n Puss will distract de oder guards while da truck driber (Purty Pete, a friend o mine I knowz frum ma biz) hep hidez me under da cardboard. Puss gonna give da guards da furst o da catnip blunts ta keep dem frum seein I gone til long affer da truck leave. She sured me she haz plan to not be blamed fur ma escape, so I not wurry. I rally start to like dis gurl fur reelz, so I don want anyfing bad fur Puss. I tink I may ask her owt fur reel when all dis done.

 

Jurnal Entry 10 – Da Long Goodbye (or I Got You, Puss)

Today iz da dey. All goes well, I be home in me own cat bed tonight!

via GIPHY

I excited and maby a wittle sad. I rally make sum gud buddies here. Me n Frank got reel gud at playin checkers n Blue eben come around lately.

He see I in wit Puss so he like me now an turnz owt he really a kewl dude. We both into da same kinda Cosplay – playin like we oder animals n such. We spent one afternoon in da yard doin penguins wit white placemats round our necks n waddlin bak n forth. Eberbody loved it n laughed reel hard at us.

Made Blue grin so big, neber seen dat before! I tink I send him dis when I gets out.

Pakin me stuff n gettin ready to go. Me shift wit da trash start in 20 minutes n den I outta here! But first I gonna give Puss some daisies I found in da yard n ask her owt proper before I go…

Weeeee! She said yes, We goes ta dinner affer I gets owt, next Fursday! Ok, next entry will be frum home or bust!!

Jurnal Entry 11 – Home Agin Home Agin – Jiggity Jig

Guess what? It werked! I iz home sweet home n rollin n da clean cwisp cardboard n fresh crunchy kibbles. I eben got a ounce o da kindest catnip frum da contraband stash care o Purty n Puss. Eben better, since dis da kindest bud I eber seen, I ashk ta be put on da master delibery list. So I be gettin more kind catnip den Gawd purty soon. Maby I pass sum on to me customers, If I don use all meseff!!

Nyway, so glad to be home sweet home! Did I learn me lesson? Well, I neber smoke da herb owtside in public agin, I jus haz edibles nex time.

Or hire me a security guard. I hear Blue might get out in a few months if he makez parole he gonna need a gud job. I ashk Puss when we goes owt what she fink.

Nowz fur a long long sleep n me cat bed!

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Catnip-da-Kitten in Jail fur Pawsession Part 2

Catnip’s Jurnal

Jurnal Entry 2 – Nite in da pokey

Peeps, I iz in da big box, I ndz $$ fur bale n green, please! via GIPHY

Still stuck in jail fur partakin o da herb, still tryin to call home. Finally, after trying every conceevable position and spot in ma tiny cell I found I cud get a fone signul by hangin from da ceiling. I mediatly send a message to ma peeps.
I hopz dey leest send me sum $ fur catijuana. It srsly spensiv n here but mucho plentiful n dank af. Oh here comez a gard.

 

Jurnal entry 3 – Catnip in da Slammer fur da weekend

I spent da day looking at ma offline catporn n tryin ta get a signul agin. No luck. via GIPHY

I think da gardz R watchin me, so I hide da fone meow.

 

Jurnal entry 4 – Catbox Sunday without Boxes

I goin stir crazy. It be #CatBoxSunday n dere no boxes n site. I jonesin hard fur da sweet cardboard neath n above n all round. Duuuuuudez! I be dreamin o boxes ober hier!!!

 

Come Back Box! via GIPHY

I so bored I get ta talkin sum wit me jail mates n I start hearin about dis head cat named Blue. He s’posed be scary dude w one i n a big scar.
He run da prison catnip ring. Nyway dat wat dis mangy dude Frank tole me when I ask ’bout how dey get such powerous weed in hier.
He say, “U can fank dat Blue, man. But don, don eber lookie him in da i, cuz he kill ya sure az look at ya wit dat big i!”

 

 

via GIPHY

Leest I gots sum funds frum owtside n can buy da jail weed. Fanks me homies! Got a nice fatty ready ta blaze soon we get lites out. Oh here dey cum da gardz.

 

Jurnal entry 5  – Not a Funday Monday

 

via GIPHY

Jus got werd, ma a-rain-mint been pushed back. Dog cop can’t come til Wed. Bitch! Leest got sum time ta raze $$. SLO goin so far. Enuf fur catnip, newt fur bale. Litter! i needz dat dam signul. C’ on cat. Awww yes! Sendin’…

 

“ I here in da Big Box, but der R no boxes fur me to recycle. Pls send mor money fur bale. Free me, Catnip da Kitten! and I will sendz yoo freed jail-gron catijuana”.

 

And lost da signul. Well, hope it went cuz here com da gardz!

 

Jurnal entry 6  – Catnip gets Lucky or How I met da Man

i iz da man

 

So bored today wit da ignorant cats I locked up wit, I instigated a cat fight…

Then I gots ta talkin w dis gard cat – Pussy Pants. She a big fluffy calico w devil eyes n an executioners mask, but she ok. I tell her ’bout ma box recyclin bizness n she tease me w a burger box. She throw it in and ask me ta smash it like a professional

Actually, I woulda socked her gud den, if I hadn’t herd a rumor dat dis enormous furry Pussy waz da Man. I meanz da Real Man. Not like Blue, who turnz owt was jus da muscle on my side o da bars. My face still hurt frum where he punch me affer I fank him fur da kind bud… Yeah, dat waz da cat fight.

Listen to Frank, dat iz da lesson. But den Frank tole me dat he herd Blue don like bein fanked cuz he knos he NOT da Man. N Blue iz fraid o no onez but Her. Everyone iz. So I bein a smart kitten, put two n two togeffur n gets… I waz neber gud at maffs without QuizBooks, but u nose wat I menz.

Nywayz, long story short, I gots da WiFi passwerd n I gots da best connect a cat culd have in jailz. So I message ma peeps n tell ’em we gotz a plan ta getz me outta here, n maby even get rich!

 

“Ma Peeps, Good news – I gots WiFi. Bad News – I still in jail. Please send funds. I haz plan to escape, but needz ur hep!

 

U send fundz, I send u da best Jail Weed as fank u! More Later.

Den I gets down ta bizness makin ma plans… Sweet!

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Catnip da Kitten Goez to Jail fur Pawsession

Catnip’s Jurnal entry 1

 04/20/2019

We haz come tew da end o my Known Universe… Jk.

I was goin about my bizness, jus brakin’ down da last o’ da big boxes befur dey get bound fur frantic clawin’ in da mornin. N I say to myself: “Catnip, it 4:20, on 4/20 it def time fur me last kitty weed break o da day!” Gotta kep calm thru da trafficks home to da par-tay some how.

So I go sit utside n whips out my dandy new dry herb vape. I packs it w gooey green catnip, da gud stuff, from dat fancy catnip supplier.

 

I haz to break da boxes down befur frantically clawin' dem to complete da recyclin'

I was so ready ta kicks it after a long week o recyclin’. I took my first sweet draw, n den, all a sudden, dere dis narco bitch growling n pinnin’ me to da ground. She mussa been new to da narc k9s r she had ta make quota, cuz she dinit care wen I hissed n told da bitch it jus catnip.

Actually I say, “Bitch, wat u doin!? Dis Catifurnia, don u kno weed iz legal?!” She sur did not like dat even do da dog wiz litrally a bitch. Bitches. Dogs. Whatever. So she put me in cuffs (not da fun ones) n tooks me in to da pokey.

Dey kept calling me KerMutt da Frog like it n insult when dey takin my paw prints, cuz i iz green I guess? I tole dem, no I iz a cat. But dey jus luff n tole me I be booked. I start callin’ dem sons of bitches – cuz dey R. But maby dey din’t like dat do cuz dey stick me in wit a coupla nasty strays w mange.

Ignorin da stench, I ask da gard fur ma fone call, but he say; “cats don’t hav rites!” n “I better get comfurtable cuz da cop dog say I iz a blackmercat drug pusher n a menace!” Den he bang da bars n mek me step back.

Blackmarcat drug pusher? Me? Cumon. I jus smoking me herb, man. Stoopid son of a bitch gards dat lissun ta dirty bitch dog cops!!!

Nyway, here I iz. Jailcat. Nuthin ta do but wait til dey A Rain me. Wtf?! Luky I smugled in dis fone, no ask. No WiFi, but at least I can Jurnal ta pass da time. Wish I had da doe ta bribe a guard fur da WiFi password tho… maby if I can jus get a cell signul I can call fur hep n funds…

Free Catnip wit yoor purrchase!

Catnip da Kitten was unfairly arrested and incarcerated fur pawsession of a Class-1 edible on 4/20, a major holiday fur catnip and hooman-nip enthusiasts. Will he end up in solitary confinment? Will he come ta rule da prison?  Find owt next time Catnip finds a signal…

Meanwhile all funds fur Catnip will go towrds securing hiz freedoms!

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